Baptism And Open Doors {Breaking Free}

This time last year I was leaning over a pool publicly baptizing someone in the name of Jesus as that church community looked on with pride and joy. It was my privilege as a community pastor there on Easter day 2017.

One year later I stand humbly beside the pool, one among the crowd, as I watch my son be baptized at a new church by the campus pastor. It was a mixture of many emotions, each of which I surrendered to God so that I could continue to break free from the past.

Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus.

My first Easter weekend at Saddleback was a blessing and I chose to focus on the present abundance rather than old grief over what has been lost. God is doing something new in my life and I want to fully engage and participate in it. I want to be mindful of the present moment rather than dwell on memories which hold me back from breaking free.

If I am not mindful of my emotional health I can easily fall back into old thought patterns, the very ones which sabotaged relationships and destroyed opportunities in my past.

This last Sunday the Easter theme Pastor Rick chose to speak on was Walking Through The Door To Freedom.

“You don’t have to be behind bars to be in prison,” said Pastor Rick.

Sometimes a prison can look like a well-worn thought pattern that can’t be broken without divine intervention.

And so we must come before our King and seek freedom.

Do you ever feel small and unfulfilled? I think this is the constant battle of the human soul, to abide in the uncomfortable places where we realize our deep lack.

To realize that nothing satisfies like Jesus, not food or social media or ministry or books or writing or music or sabotage or anger or regret.

To simply realize that we are terribly thirsty and hungry for Him.

In this way the broken pieces and weak places can become beautiful things as they gently remind us of our humble humanity which is dwelling in full dependence upon a God of loving provision.

He allows us to feel the full weight of our emptiness so that we will walk through the door of His house and come to dine at His table.

“Every experience, even the most unwelcome, if offered to Jesus, can become your gateway to joy.”

–Elisabeth Elliot

As I go into the week after Easter, my agenda is very simple- draw near to the Spirit and receive love. 

This can be done when you are busy or when you are still, whether in emotional turmoil or serenity.

It is especially important to keep the plan simple when you are recovering from a season where many things have fallen apart.

“Sometimes God has to shake your foundation to set you free,” said Rick that day.

So I reflected on Easter Sunday how last year God did this very type of shaking in my life in order to wake me up and set me on a path to freedom.

I resigned from church ministry in September of 2017 and it broke my heart worse than anything I had ever known.

Ever since then I have been afraid to serve on a ministry team again.

“Fear causes you to miss God’s plan for your life.” This was our pastor’s straightforward reminder.

And it’s very true, especially in my case.

God’s plan is to free you so He can bless you.

The freedom for me this past weekend was knowing I could step down and let someone else take my place next to my son in the baptismal and still be totally at peace with all of it.

The blessing this past Easter weekend was that it was also my first time to wear a church-team logo in six months.

I donned the black Saddleback Kids t-shirt, let all my hair down for the first time in just as many months, and I served in the kindergarten classroom just like I did before my last church ministry fell apart.

Sometimes starting all over again is an unexpected joy, and building up from what you have learned is an even greater victory.

I walked through that kindergarten classroom door on Sunday in the same way that many Saddleback members walked through the big blue door set up for rededication to God- with a desire to break free.

Romans 8:1-2

8 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. ² And because you belong to him, the power^[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you^[b] from the power of sin that leads to death.

I can break out from the prison of condemnation because even though I still have a great deal left to learn, I am declared free through the death of my old self. I can walk through the door to my true purpose and my eternal calling- to dwell with God as His beloved, and to serve His people from a place of abundant blessing.

I am free to have an entirely new mindset which carries forth from the wreckage of the past and the powerful healing of forgiveness.

“You have no idea what God wants to do in your life unless you let Him free you from the prison of unforgiveness,” Rick reminded us.

I held onto offense at myself and others for many months before I could lay down my pride, face my fear and enter into a church family again.

And out of the hard lesson has come a great blessing- on the same weekend that I joined a ministry team, my son chose to be baptized.

Had I never forgiven, I would have not been given the opportunity to witness this special moment in this special way.

“Why forgive? Because God has forgiven me, resentment makes me miserable, and I am going to need more forgiveness in the future.” When Rick preached this, I nodded in silent assent.

Certainly I will need more forgiveness in the future, first for myself and then probably for others. No church family or ministry team will ever be perfect on this side of eternity, just as I will never be without shortcomings in this lifetime.

But this week God set me free to try again. I stepped through the door to freedom in so many ways this Easter season.

So I will go forward into my new serving responsibilities with perspective, reverence, joy and awareness of my weaknesses. I do not serve as a church member, a team member, a lonely outsider or a wounded soul. Nor do I serve from a place of empty longing.

Rather, I serve as a child of God from an abundance of blessing as a beloved daughter of the King.

I walked through that kindergarten door to break free from the inner voices that say I am unworthy, incapable, insignificant or foolish. No, I will listen to that voice that says I am beloved. I will give myself grace. I will silence shame. I will embrace freedom.

 I will step right over fear and find peace and contentment on the other side, the kind that only Jesus can bring.

“Break out of prison by remembering God loves me and He has a good plan for my life,” said our pastor.

With all the gratitude I have learned so far I will go into this week after Easter as nothing more or less than a beloved child of God. I will do laundry, wash dishes, fold clothes, pick up toys and shop for groceries with a simple awareness that life is short and each day belongs to my holy and good Father who loves me and sets me free and blesses me with His goodness.

I will not be afraid of my lack, but rather I will present it to God and say to Him, “Look, Father, I don’t know what to do with this piece, but it’s uncomfortable and I want it away from me.”

And He will gladly receive my empty soul and fill it with His abundant love.

How? I’m not exactly sure, because if I knew I would be totally fulfilled already. And many days I still feel unsatisfied and longing for more. But I believe that somehow He takes my honesty and turns it into blessing through the careful weaving of His plan with my life.

I know that this past weekend God used my new church family to reveal Gods blessings in the form of new steps towards freedom from my old self.

I found joy in serving on a team again, and I found joy in my son’s baptism. I found joy in my new church family. I found joy in stepping back and allowing another pastor to baptize my son. I found joy in stepping in and serving kindergartners.

It is not the story I would have written, but it is the future I am blessed to have.

“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing.”

–Oswald Chambers

Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus. So I will thank Him for reminding me of my humanity and lovingly responding to my need for grace.

I abide in His provision even when I remain hungry and thirsty for more, and I wait for more understanding to be given in His timing and not mine.

2 Corinthians 3:17

¹⁷ For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

And so this Easter weekend I was free to serve again in ministry and to celebrate with my tribe of Jesus-people as my son was baptized in their midst.

I am free to change, to learn, to surrender, to grow, to belong.

And He leans down and whispers the word “beloved” over me and my entire life story as I continue to walk through the new doors He opens for me.

Thank you, God, for Easter Weekend, baptism and open doors.

Amen.

Rebecca

~*~

Support my work by following my page.

To read my story

or view my creative writing,

please visit my original blog site.

All The Things {It Is Finished}- Good Friday

There are two options available to us in every circumstance of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because they cannot co-exist. So what are we most afraid of?

For me, it’s the fear of not belonging.

 It’s one thing to be loved. It’s quite another thing altogether to belong.

I have found a safe place to sit and receive love. I sit and listen to the Spirit. It’s a discipline and a practice which is far from perfect, but still it brings comfort and peace.

I sit with my back to the window, so that the sunshine and the breeze come in from behind me, and I wrap myself in my favorite shawl. I sit silently without moving, listening to the birds in the trees and the wind-chimes on the patio. I hold my tea-cup of water in both hands and I dwell with myself and my God.

I try to sort through all the things that bother me, the truth and the lies. I try to find myself, my faith, my Jesus.

I listened to Henri Nouwen’s sermon on "The Life Of The Beloved". He asked his audience to consider the three main lies we tell ourselves- I am what I DO, I am what I HAVE, and I am what people SAY about me.

He asks us to remember that we are each beloved of God, and our only true identity is child of God. Nothing else defines who we are. Nothing else.

It is finished.

What are the lies I tell myself? I don’t belong, I am too much for people, I am insignificant, I am invisible, I am incapable of connection, I have no ministry, I don’t make a difference.

My logical self knows these are lies, but the emotional child inside hasn’t been convinced.

I have been watching a bird trying to repurpose an abandoned nest this week. All throughout the day she comes with things to patch and rebuild this old nest which has gone unused for several years.

I don’t know why I left it there, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. Perhaps because it represented such hard work followed by failure, as the original builders were driven away by territorial neighbors. They lost their babies in the fray, and they never came back.

I watch this new bird as she is building up from the ruins, and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that which was damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.

This is hard.

So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with my feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.

Today is Good Friday.

It is finished.

That’s what I heard Pastor Rick talk about last night as I tuned into the live feed on FB. I was hoping to catch my favorite female pastor who sometimes teaches online, and when I missed her session I ended up watching the Saddleback Good Friday sermon instead:

The Job Has Been Completed! What Jesus Finished by Dying on the Cross.

The response within me was to post my heart out because I was so deeply moved- not necessarily by Pastor Rick’s words, although they were good.

I was moved by the idea that Jesus said “it is finished”.

John 19:30

When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

What is finished?

This is what welled up in my heart as I asked myself what this meant for me this Easter season:

Looking for closure? Trying to make it turn out perfect? Ahhh, me too. Sometimes I try to force the ending of things I want to have control over- but God says "no, let Me finish it. Let me write the ending, my child. I will finish this chapter for you." That's what Good Friday reminds me about this year. There is nothing that we need to DO because it has been DONE and it is FINISHED. In my own life I struggle with finding peace and acceptance when everything is not completed how I want- things left undone will leave me unsettled. The message of Good Friday is a reminder that there will be some things which never have closure or completion in this life. BUT nothing will be left unfinished when we get to the other side and God welcomes us into eternity. Because He finished for us that which we could never complete on our own, and it encompasses EVERYTHING, including the stuff we feel is left undone. So even if something feels unfinished in this life, rest in knowing that what He has done means I don't have to DO anything except receive persuasive grace with abundant gratitude. God sees the ending of our story and the final chapter says that things which were left undone are now FINISHED in Him. Sometimes closure looks like a cross and sounds like a declaration- It Is Finished. This includes EVERYTHING, even those pieces of our journey without happy endings in this life. Thank you Jesus. Amen. #EasterAtSaddleback

This was the start of 24 hours of deep contemplation for me, a process which bled over into Good Friday.

I asked myself these questions:

~What am I most afraid of?  Not making a difference.

~What are the lies I tell myself about who I am? I am small and insignificant.

~And what was finished on Good Friday? All the things left undone. So many things.

I listened to a podcast from Fun Therapy by Mike Foster in which a woman named Annie Downs does an on-air therapy session. She talked about feelings of rejection and what it means to truly belong.

Such a powerful interview, and I cannot recommend it highly enough to my readers: Fun Therapy is an amazing listen.

The guest, Annie, talked about how we sometimes try to deal with pain by numbing out or medicating/managing the emotion instead of facing it head on.

So I asked myself another question as I sipped from my cup, there in the quiet sun on a Good Friday.

How do I medicate?

 Off the top of my head, I can answer with four things that seem most apparent:

~Eating- No I don’t have an eating disorder, but yes I can sometimes use food as comfort in order to cope. When I am sad I consume sugar like there is no tomorrow. Or I chew gum like a fiend. Or both. It has been especially noticeable the past few months- I am actively making a change in my diet (cutting candy) and gum habit (only after a meal), and the resulting struggle proves just how often I use food to make me happy.

~Cleaning- I feel the most productive and useful while I vacuum, fold laundry, make beds, clean up toys, pack lunches and wash dishes. My self worth goes up because, as Mr. Nouwen pointed out, I sometimes believe the lie that I am what I DO with my hands.

~Social Media- Sometimes this is a blessing and other times it’s a curse. When I am in a low and empty place, social media can be a way to find a quick fix for loneliness. I am trying to become more mindful of what mood I am in when I surf, and what I am seeking when I share.

~Music- My earphones and my iTunes are wonderful when I am feeling whole. But when I need to process an emotion, these can become an easy distraction from thinking too deeply. I can drown out the things I don’t want to think about. Even if it’s worship music, it can still become an idol.

I am learning to stop trying to manage the emotion and start surrendering it to Jesus.

So I find myself spending a good amount of time sitting by the window in my bedroom today, back to the sun as I contemplate Good Friday.

What is finished?

All the things left undone.

I need to teach my body that it does not need to medicate emotion, because what I need has already been accomplished for me.

What I need is already provided.

I just need to receive love today.

I smile at the pillow that sits across from me on my bed, which says “all you need is love and the beach.”

Yes, because it is finished, so all I need to do today is sit with Jesus on the shore of my tumultuous sea of thoughts and feelings and simply receive His love.

Tonight I will go and worship with my church family at Saddleback; I will lovingly take the bread and the cup. My neighbors invited me to a different Sadddleback campus than the one I serve on Sunday. But it doesn’t matter what church I find myself singing at, the emotion is always the same- I love the church and I just want to worship with my beloved tribe of Jesus people.

I go to lay down my fears, my management tools, my doubts. I surrender it all to Him once again.

I will nail all. the. things. to the cross.

And tomorrow I will go and see my son get baptized, and I will witness how God has brought such good out of such a hard season.

And I will be grateful for this Good Friday.

All the things which feel undone, the past which brings pain, that chapter is written and closed out.

There are two options available to us in every circumstance of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because they cannot coexist. So what am I most afraid of?

I am deeply afraid of not belonging.

It’s one thing to be loved. It’s quite another thing altogether to belong.

I watch the little bird on my patio as she builds up from the ruins, and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that which was damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.

This is hard.

So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with all the things: my feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.

Today is Good Friday.

And so I receive this today: I am beloved of God, and my only true identity is child of God. Nothing else defines who I am.

All the things that are still left undone and imperfect, they can have closure because Jesus said it is finished.

It is finished.

Amen.

Rebecca

~*~

Support my work by following my page.

To read my story

or view my creative writing,

please visit my original blog site.