Hope Comes Out [Sideways]

When the power suddenly goes out for an unknown length of time during a pandemic in which you are confined inside your home for an unknown length of time, one does the only sensible thing left to do without internet or outside human connection- write. And talk to God like a crazy person. And fold laundry. And wait.
And hope keeps coming out sideways, even when I cap it off.
How long will my cell phone battery last before I loose all contact with the outside world completely? How long until my hard-won groceries go bad? Crazed thoughts creep into the vaccume that once held proud, self-assured independence.
Yes, the quarantine continues, as do my complicated emotions. My Lord told me in prayer today- I have planted seeds that will be watered by the very hope that you feel is going down the drain. But hope is offensive, birthed out of pain. I have come to know the way I truly feel safer when I turn inward and hide from others. But my body betrays me when I long for companionship in this time of isolation. Anger ensues, which is the gateway to grief- but I cap it there. Yet I see now that when hope and joy are trapped by our fears, they always come out sideways. Now as I stand and bar the door to hope, pushing down against it with instinctual determination, it pushes back against me with a force that threatens to crush my willpower with a rush of admissions too great for words.

Yesterday I finally let my guard down for an hour and allowed one of my mentors to encourage me and even make me laugh. Afterwards I got such a severe headache that I had to go straight to bed- and as I lay there I told the Lord- I am programmed from the ground up to resist emotions and placate fears with a stoic heart. Here now my walls are crumbling out of pure necessity but my body does not know how to receive such grace. I think human love would break me if I received too much right now. When this is all over I fear the need I will have for human connection again- I struggle against the realization that I need to be in relationship with others. It is a lofty possibility that is best kept at bay. Because who wants to harness their own hurts going forward?

I have only been able to read two pages an hour- this does not bode well for academics. My mind races about me like it has a life all its own, and despite my best intentions I accomplish very little in terms of schoolwork. As the productivity of the world around me has reduced to nearly nothing, so has my own inner fortitude dried up like the song of a parched bird on a dry day. Here my Lord meets me in my wordless prayers- I have come this far with Him and we will not surrender our destination. Only He invites me to rest awhile in the shadow of His wings until the cessation of this desolation in which I find that hope is still coming out sideways. 

The power came on after about 45 minutes. Then it went back out. And came back on. And with each come-to-Jesus moment, I recognized my immense fragility, and I leaned upon my Lord just a little bit more than I did before.
And while 2020 keeps swinging its blows, hope keeps just coming out sideways.
 Amen.