You Are His Favorite {My Ambivalence}

We long to love and be loved by the people who can no longer live in our neighborhood because of deep wounds and betrayal. This ambivalence is a deeply human experience. Our Father has strategically placed certain people in our lives to gently but persistently reveal our own brokenness. He does this in order to draw out the worst in us. Only then can we appreciate our value as the favorite child of God.

Truth is, you are His favorite child.

Say this out loud to yourself- it's true. What feelings come up for you as you speak this statement? Most likely, you have conflicting emotions.

And so He wants you to see the depth of your enemy’s failure so that you can grasp the true depth of His abundant forgiveness and love for you.

Recognizing the ambivalence in the soul caused by betrayal is a great place to start. 

Ambivalence is the experience of two conflicting feelings at the same time; disgust and desire, love and hate, invitation and rejection. When you think about the broken relationship(s) in your life, you may experience ambivalence. I know I do- as much as I desire reconciliation, I equally desire full and public restitution for all my suffering.

It's selfish. It's human. It's honest. It hurts.

Let's dive into this very human experience of ambivalence together, shall we?

Think now of that one person who is impossible for you to love. Perhaps they are in your church, among your extended circle of friends, or even in your family. They stand tall among their peers, they hurt you, and they cannot be safely approached for discussion- you are helpless to change their opinion of things and it is hopeless to think of the restoration of your relationship with him or her. This feeling of resentment you hold against them is as solid and fixed as a very large rock weighing you down. Down. Down.

Generally speaking we are incapable of seeing the true brokenness within ourselves. We are quick to extend grace to our own person, forgiving our daily mistakes, but hesitant to extend this empathy and compassion to others. So Jesus can use the pain of an impossible betrayal to deliver a gift- motivation to seek a change of your own inner person. Our own failures are easier to overlook than the failures of our enemies, so God does His most powerful work here, in the places where we nurse our offense towards His favorite children.

Think again of that one person you cannot love. Because all of us have people that we Do. Not. Like.

Maybe we admit it, or maybe we avoid it. But to be human is to have enemies.

Jesus had numerous enemies, and He was God. So who are we, flawed humans, to think we can avoid this reality? Enemies are inevitable.

It is not a question of whether you will have enemies, it is a question of whether you will love them.

So here it is: you have the privilege to be called the favorite child of God. AND your enemy is entitled to this privilege as well.

Not fair? Not in human terms. Love is the Kingdom currency.

So you can both stand side by side in this same privilege of ridiculous love because scarcity does not exist in Kingdom economy. There is no limit of Gods’ favoritism for His children. Just because I am His beloved does not mean another is not, or that others are less so.

But we don’t want to share the benefits of belovedness if there are people we decide do not deserve it. So we judge harshly and often- the scarcity mindset says that love is limited and should not be extended to just anyone.

This week God spoke this statement to me, “I am going to reveal to you the depth of your betrayer's failure so that you can grasp the reality of My forgiveness.”

Resistance sets in. We argue with Jesus. We want to reserve the right to judge the ways in which others have wronged us. It’s based on experience and repeat offense, and we are smart and observant. We will not be duped again. They deserve to be loved less than us. We are not stupid. Their sin is much more damaging than ours.

Damaging to whom?

We are so foolish.

Oh no, we say to God, “that person” does not deserve to be as beloved as I am. Look at what they have done! They fall shorter than I do, just look at how they have messed up. Look at their life, it’s obvious how wrong they are!

It’s a soul-distorting comparison game. Because you are messy too. Your sin damages also. Is there a limit of acceptable sin? Where does Grace fit into this equation??

Yet we choose to avoid our own failure and focus on that of our enemy, and we withhold the love of God from those we decide are no longer our neighbors.

After all, even the Jews agreed that you love only those who are close to you:

Leviticus 19:18 (NLT)

¹⁸ “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Israelite, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

We like to love our neighbors, the people who live close to us but probably know little about us, those who see our best and never cross our bad side. The people nearby who we only have to speak with when we feel like coming outside.

The people we can quietly retreat from when we fall short, maintaining our good standing with them because we only see them when our best foot is forward.

We see our neighbors only on Sundays, or only when we gather for an occasional coffee or dessert, perhaps just in passing to get the mail. These people are easy to love.

Our neighbors are the people who do not mirror our sins but reflect only our goodness. Yes, it is easy to love only those who do not see our capacity for shortcoming, the truth of our mistakes.

So this makes Jesus offensive when he declares the new Kingdom currency which extends out beyond our neighborhood- love.

⁴³ “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’^[a] and hate your enemy. ⁴⁴ But I say, love your enemies!^[b] Pray for those who persecute you! ⁴⁵ In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.” Matthew 5:43-45  (NLT)

Why did Jesus say “You have heard the law that says ‘hate your enemies’”? What is Jesus talking about here? It does not say “hate your enemies” in the Jewish law. His listeners had not heard the law say that. The law only said “love your neighbors and fellow community”. So where is Jesus extrapolating the word hate from this command?

Did He misquote the law or forget what had been written before He came?

I hardly think so. It’s Jesus.

Oh, well then, perhaps in typical Jesus fashion he was talking about the hearts of his listeners, who heard “love your neighbor” and deciphered permission to “hate those who are not”.

If there is an inner circle, this implies there are people on the outside. If there are neighbors, there are therefore outsiders. Who is marginalized from your heart? Who have you cast away from your community, no matter how justified you may have been in doing so? These, these are the enemies. This is where “that person” you are thinking of resides, in the shadows on the outside of love.

Jesus said “hate” because he knew that some of his listeners had heard it said “don’t bear a grudge against your fellow community members” and assumed a condensation of meaning that allowed them to hate those who were deemed “outside” of their social circle.

Some people may not be safe for you, and they may need to stay outside of your neighborhood. I understand that completely.

But they are still loved by God. So what to do with them?

Jesus says to love. So we killed Him.

Now to be fair, He did not say “allow enemies into your neighborhood” or “invite them back into your intimate circle”. This may come with time, or it may never come at all. You may be willing to reconcile, but the other party may be unwilling. You may change, and the other person may remain unsafe. The distance between you could possibly be permanent. 

This is not a problem for love- such reunion is not required, because the love Jesus talks about is a mindset and not a moment.

Jesus said a much harder thing than “reconcile” or "close the gap"- He said we must endow upon the enemy the rights and privileges given to a favorite child of God, even if they remain outside of your circle of safe people.

You can extend the fruits of the Spirit to someone who is not allowed in your neighborhood- they do not need to enter your inner circle of companionship to receive the Grace which flows through you from your Father.

Because the fruits of Grace do not depend on proximity to be given or received- they only require submission to the empowering teachings of Jesus.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer within the circle of Kingdom belovedness.

I don’t know how to do this well at all.

When it comes to reconciliation and forgiveness, I am a terrible student. At best, I am beginning to pick up bits and pieces of Jesus teaching and only just starting to fit them into something tangible. Most days I fail- occasionally I succeed. It’s a long and arduous process, mostly just because I make it so through my stubborn resistance to His teachings and my repeated persistence in living on my own broken terms.

After all, it’s convenient to have enemies- it makes this life easier. But it makes spiritual transformation much harder.

I did learn one thing this week that I want to share here with my readers: my enemies are beloved favorite children of my Redeemer. Not for how they hurt me, or for how they hurt themselves and others, but because they bear His image and my Father longs to lavish His love upon them just as He is already doing for me.

Think of that one person you cannot love well. Because all of us have people that we Do. Not. Like. Choose to see them as a favorite child of God, not merely tolerated by Jesus but fully loved by Him. Just as you are. Even in your stubborn clinging to your old ways of living, He calls you beloved.

And nobody wants to love their enemies on an actual, practical level, which is why the Messenger was killed.

It is a daily discipline to love your enemies, because the entire body and brain rebels against it until we take captive the thoughts which hold us hostage to hate. This takes a lifetime to accomplish.

So when you are on the other side of this life, when the Kingdom comes, your race is won, then what is the one thing you look forward to having the most? For me, it’s this: Reunion and reconciliation with the people I call my enemy.

I look forward to shalom with those who have wounded my heart. I long to love and be loved by the people who can no longer live in my neighborhood because of deep wounds and betrayal.

In heaven I want a long and genuine hug of deep affection from those whom Jesus will call my enemies- those unsafe brothers and sisters in His family.

When Jesus says “love your enemies”, who specifically comes to mind for you? That is exactly where Jesus wants to begin His work in you.

He wants to unite broken relationships among all His favorite children. Not to force our hand, but to break down the walls which boundary our hearts from fulfilling relationships. Enemies do that to us- influence us to boundary up our heart so that we can withhold our love. Not because of who they are, but because of who we become as a result of our reaction to their own brokenness.

Truly, I look forward to having deep, rewarding and meaningful fellowship with the people in my life who have inspired me to build up walls. Some relationships may not be fully repairable in this lifetime, but we can still affirm the beloved inheritance that God is offering to them.

We can watch the value of our enemies rise up, up up as we open ourselves to the power of increasing Grace.

And you are making progress if you experience ambivalence towards your enemies as we attempt to love them.

Because enemies are people who cause deep ambivalence within the soul- a longing to both forgive and to punish at the same time. 

And I read recently that it is a sign of maturity to become aware and accepting of the reality that there are fellow children of God who bring out ambivalence in me, both because of how they choose to live their lives and because of how I choose to live mine. A collision of interests, because neither party has in mind the interests of God.

If you feel ambivalent towards your enemies, you are making significant progress. This means that love is beginning to shine through the cracks in your high walls. Not so that your enemies can get in, but so that you can climb out.

Should some relationships require distance indefinitely for very valid reasons, that painful reality does not exempt those people from falling under the “enemy” category which Jesus talks about. That person who will never be safe for you indicates a place in your soul where God wants to begin His healing process. Irreconcilable differences can only be healed when favoritism is set apart from scarcity.This is a Kingdom economy with a currency of unconditional love.

And a nuance here: I don’t mean to become doormats, letting unsafe people trample upon your heart. I mean to become empowered to recognize an enemy as a favorite child of God with all due rights and privileges. You do not need to get close to “that person” to picture them standing alongside you under the light of forgiveness and grace which covers you both in a blanket of redemption. This is the seed for Kingdom victory in your soul.

Could you stand hand in hand with that person in front of the cross and receive forgiveness together?

For the rain falls both on the wounded and the wounder, the one who causes pain and the one who receives it- Jesus recognizes this contradiction and He is working to correct it. Not by withholding the rain, but by extending the dramatic effects of His transforming grace.

This week God clearly said to me, “I need you to see the depth of this person’s personal failure so that you can grasp the deeper truth of my forgiveness.”

I didn’t like that, but it gave meaning to an area of frustration in my life, a place where I have been working to invite Jesus to heal and repair- an ongoing process that means picking up my cross daily and following Him, even when I really Do. Not. Want. To.

This process of picking up our cross and following Him is redundant. It is meant to be so, because we are a stubborn and forgetful people. So we need that one person who’s betrayal reveals the extent of human failure, because that one person reveals the extent of God’s love.

He loves your enemy JUST AS MUCH as He loves you. What does this mean for your relationships?

The problem with accepting that you are God’s favorite child is that the scarcity mindset says that if I am His favorite, others are not. The Kingdom reality is that we are each His favorite.

We need to see each other’s failures because it is a mirror image of our own. It helps us see ourselves more clearly. And God knows we need help to see inside our own hearts, so He strategically placed certain people in our lives to gently but persistently mirror our own brokenness and bring out the worst in us so we realize our desperate need for Grace.

You were His favorite child before you accomplished a single thing- He loves you just as much today as He did the first day you were conceived. Nothing can change that- nothing can knock you out of His favoritism. Even that one person whom you cannot love- nobody can take away your favored status except yourself, by refusing to live in it.

When we see the sin of our betrayers, we feel anger. When we see that same sin within ourselves, we feel shame, because that same judgement we cast out has now been cast back on us. So Jesus steps in to break the cycle of unforgiveness which we are helpless to stop.

When shame loses it’s power in the light of our favored status as a child of God, our sin does not go away. In fact, in comes into sharper contrast against the divine and holy love of our King. But instead of hiding our failures from Him, we can begin to present them honestly and openly, again and again, because we trust He will not turn away or punish us.

Take up your cross again. And again. And again.

When we think of that one person whom we cannot fully forgive today, we must begin to also think of that one place inside our self which we cannot fully invite Jesus into, for that is what that one person mirrors within us. That is the first place He wants to transform.

So love your hurting brothers and sisters, because it is good for your soul. Love them from a safe distance or love them up close. But love them either way.

So as you go about your week, think of the ways in which God is using the sinners around you to wake you up to the depth of His redeeming love. Instead of carrying around the weight of that one person’s terrible wrong (and it is terrible, I am sure), take on the lighter burden of appreciating how good God is to love ALL His children in the midst of such rampant brokenness. He wants you to see the extent of human betrayal so that you can grasp the truth of His forgiveness.

When you think of that one person, think also of the promise that you are His favorite, too, and there is no scarcity of forgiveness in the family of God.

You are His favorite child, so you can afford to love your enemy today.

Do not annihilate your enemy, but incorporate them into the Kingdom reality.

Practice loving your enemies because this is the art of soul care.

Here to close is my prayer for this week, as I look ahead at the challenges I face:

“Father, You say to Your children to come as you are- so I come as I am. A bit restless, longing for more, desiring attention and validation from Your Spirit, wanting to stay asleep but compelled to wake up by the people around me, expecting the worst but wanting the best, full of sin but open to grace. Jesus, I invite you into the mess that is my frail human soul and I hope that You will wake it up today to the glories of Your provision and blessing. I know I fall so hopelessly short of the human ideal that You established during Your ministry here on Earth. I also know that You are my loving Father who draws near to me even in my sin and shortcoming. I see my imperfections and so do You- together let’s continue my spiritual transformation one small step at a time today. Walk with me, Jesus, and teach me Your way, the only way to live.”

Join me, brothers and sisters, as we learn how to love the children of God that we do not like.

With all my imperfect love,

Rebecca

~*~

Support my work by following my page.

To read my story or

view my creative writing,

please visit my original blog site.

All The Things {It Is Finished}- Good Friday

There are two options available to us in every circumstance of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because they cannot co-exist. So what are we most afraid of?

For me, it’s the fear of not belonging.

 It’s one thing to be loved. It’s quite another thing altogether to belong.

I have found a safe place to sit and receive love. I sit and listen to the Spirit. It’s a discipline and a practice which is far from perfect, but still it brings comfort and peace.

I sit with my back to the window, so that the sunshine and the breeze come in from behind me, and I wrap myself in my favorite shawl. I sit silently without moving, listening to the birds in the trees and the wind-chimes on the patio. I hold my tea-cup of water in both hands and I dwell with myself and my God.

I try to sort through all the things that bother me, the truth and the lies. I try to find myself, my faith, my Jesus.

I listened to Henri Nouwen’s sermon on "The Life Of The Beloved". He asked his audience to consider the three main lies we tell ourselves- I am what I DO, I am what I HAVE, and I am what people SAY about me.

He asks us to remember that we are each beloved of God, and our only true identity is child of God. Nothing else defines who we are. Nothing else.

It is finished.

What are the lies I tell myself? I don’t belong, I am too much for people, I am insignificant, I am invisible, I am incapable of connection, I have no ministry, I don’t make a difference.

My logical self knows these are lies, but the emotional child inside hasn’t been convinced.

I have been watching a bird trying to repurpose an abandoned nest this week. All throughout the day she comes with things to patch and rebuild this old nest which has gone unused for several years.

I don’t know why I left it there, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. Perhaps because it represented such hard work followed by failure, as the original builders were driven away by territorial neighbors. They lost their babies in the fray, and they never came back.

I watch this new bird as she is building up from the ruins, and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that which was damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.

This is hard.

So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with my feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.

Today is Good Friday.

It is finished.

That’s what I heard Pastor Rick talk about last night as I tuned into the live feed on FB. I was hoping to catch my favorite female pastor who sometimes teaches online, and when I missed her session I ended up watching the Saddleback Good Friday sermon instead:

The Job Has Been Completed! What Jesus Finished by Dying on the Cross.

The response within me was to post my heart out because I was so deeply moved- not necessarily by Pastor Rick’s words, although they were good.

I was moved by the idea that Jesus said “it is finished”.

John 19:30

When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

What is finished?

This is what welled up in my heart as I asked myself what this meant for me this Easter season:

Looking for closure? Trying to make it turn out perfect? Ahhh, me too. Sometimes I try to force the ending of things I want to have control over- but God says "no, let Me finish it. Let me write the ending, my child. I will finish this chapter for you." That's what Good Friday reminds me about this year. There is nothing that we need to DO because it has been DONE and it is FINISHED. In my own life I struggle with finding peace and acceptance when everything is not completed how I want- things left undone will leave me unsettled. The message of Good Friday is a reminder that there will be some things which never have closure or completion in this life. BUT nothing will be left unfinished when we get to the other side and God welcomes us into eternity. Because He finished for us that which we could never complete on our own, and it encompasses EVERYTHING, including the stuff we feel is left undone. So even if something feels unfinished in this life, rest in knowing that what He has done means I don't have to DO anything except receive persuasive grace with abundant gratitude. God sees the ending of our story and the final chapter says that things which were left undone are now FINISHED in Him. Sometimes closure looks like a cross and sounds like a declaration- It Is Finished. This includes EVERYTHING, even those pieces of our journey without happy endings in this life. Thank you Jesus. Amen. #EasterAtSaddleback

This was the start of 24 hours of deep contemplation for me, a process which bled over into Good Friday.

I asked myself these questions:

~What am I most afraid of?  Not making a difference.

~What are the lies I tell myself about who I am? I am small and insignificant.

~And what was finished on Good Friday? All the things left undone. So many things.

I listened to a podcast from Fun Therapy by Mike Foster in which a woman named Annie Downs does an on-air therapy session. She talked about feelings of rejection and what it means to truly belong.

Such a powerful interview, and I cannot recommend it highly enough to my readers: Fun Therapy is an amazing listen.

The guest, Annie, talked about how we sometimes try to deal with pain by numbing out or medicating/managing the emotion instead of facing it head on.

So I asked myself another question as I sipped from my cup, there in the quiet sun on a Good Friday.

How do I medicate?

 Off the top of my head, I can answer with four things that seem most apparent:

~Eating- No I don’t have an eating disorder, but yes I can sometimes use food as comfort in order to cope. When I am sad I consume sugar like there is no tomorrow. Or I chew gum like a fiend. Or both. It has been especially noticeable the past few months- I am actively making a change in my diet (cutting candy) and gum habit (only after a meal), and the resulting struggle proves just how often I use food to make me happy.

~Cleaning- I feel the most productive and useful while I vacuum, fold laundry, make beds, clean up toys, pack lunches and wash dishes. My self worth goes up because, as Mr. Nouwen pointed out, I sometimes believe the lie that I am what I DO with my hands.

~Social Media- Sometimes this is a blessing and other times it’s a curse. When I am in a low and empty place, social media can be a way to find a quick fix for loneliness. I am trying to become more mindful of what mood I am in when I surf, and what I am seeking when I share.

~Music- My earphones and my iTunes are wonderful when I am feeling whole. But when I need to process an emotion, these can become an easy distraction from thinking too deeply. I can drown out the things I don’t want to think about. Even if it’s worship music, it can still become an idol.

I am learning to stop trying to manage the emotion and start surrendering it to Jesus.

So I find myself spending a good amount of time sitting by the window in my bedroom today, back to the sun as I contemplate Good Friday.

What is finished?

All the things left undone.

I need to teach my body that it does not need to medicate emotion, because what I need has already been accomplished for me.

What I need is already provided.

I just need to receive love today.

I smile at the pillow that sits across from me on my bed, which says “all you need is love and the beach.”

Yes, because it is finished, so all I need to do today is sit with Jesus on the shore of my tumultuous sea of thoughts and feelings and simply receive His love.

Tonight I will go and worship with my church family at Saddleback; I will lovingly take the bread and the cup. My neighbors invited me to a different Sadddleback campus than the one I serve on Sunday. But it doesn’t matter what church I find myself singing at, the emotion is always the same- I love the church and I just want to worship with my beloved tribe of Jesus people.

I go to lay down my fears, my management tools, my doubts. I surrender it all to Him once again.

I will nail all. the. things. to the cross.

And tomorrow I will go and see my son get baptized, and I will witness how God has brought such good out of such a hard season.

And I will be grateful for this Good Friday.

All the things which feel undone, the past which brings pain, that chapter is written and closed out.

There are two options available to us in every circumstance of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because they cannot coexist. So what am I most afraid of?

I am deeply afraid of not belonging.

It’s one thing to be loved. It’s quite another thing altogether to belong.

I watch the little bird on my patio as she builds up from the ruins, and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that which was damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.

This is hard.

So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with all the things: my feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.

Today is Good Friday.

And so I receive this today: I am beloved of God, and my only true identity is child of God. Nothing else defines who I am.

All the things that are still left undone and imperfect, they can have closure because Jesus said it is finished.

It is finished.

Amen.

Rebecca

~*~

Support my work by following my page.

To read my story

or view my creative writing,

please visit my original blog site.