35 Years {My Gift}

God gave me a divine appointment yesterday that I will here unwrap: I can consider a position on the Pastoral Care Team for my church family.

As my readers know, later this year I will go to Seminary (I have been accepted!!) and also train as a life coach with the Freedom Center OC. And the bow on top of this gift is that I can reinstate the same title which I lost and grieved in a lengthy state of depression and self-doubt.

If you know my story, you know what this means for my faith.

Today it is my birthday- I am 35 years old. I am messy and imperfect and lacking in many ways, and so there is nothing I did to earn or deserve this chapter. This is grace.

I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very specific with my journey.

I have been invited to consider joining the Pastoral Care Team at Saddleback Church Yorba Linda. For me personally, this is big. It means that God has returned everything back to me that I thought I had lost- my dignity, my calling as a pastor, my church family, my drive to learn, my desire to grow spiritually, teaching Sunday school, setting up the church campus in the early mornings, my titles, my labels, my badge, my walkie-talkie, even becoming friends with the children's ministry pastor and the teaching pastor. 

Little things, big things. He has returned to me all the things I grieved. Not identical to what they were, but perfect because they are His and not mine. And not because I earned them back, but because His love is lavished upon me through the power of His will.

I am learning to slowly trust this truth: There is nothing you can do to fall out of the will of God if you are pursuing Him with all your heart.

Yes, Jesus awakened this call in my heart to serve in pastoral care several years ago, and so THIS time I will trust Him with the outcome.

I do not credit those who have hurt me with paving this path, because they are the ones who almost squelched it and crushed me. That damage seems even now to be permanent. However, I credit them with being the passing messengers of God's greater calling on my life.

I have learned a few things along the way. Choice mistakes into which I have dug deep, found the roots, and begun to pull them up and out.

I will not push through with striving, but I will wait for His perfect timing.

This is a birthday of second chances.

~*~

It was the early hours of Sunday morning, Father's Day, when I woke before the rest of my family in order to arrive early at the church campus to set up the Children’s Ministry area.

There would be old cars and family pictures to celebrate the Dads in our community.

I prepared to go into my day with a heart open to receive from my good Father of grace. I would receive imperfectly, but I would apply my stubborn and persistent faith to the best that I was able. For grace is not opposed to effort but to earning.

The routine actions of each morning are the same, so I can move through my sleepy morning fog with machine-like precision. And after I am ready, each morning I eat two boiled eggs followed by one banana and one scoop of soy yogurt with cinnamon and a drizzle of honey. And one tall glass of water.

I always take my bible and my journal with me to the breakfast table, even if I only have a few minutes to spare. This is one way to keep myself emotionally healthy even when I do NOT want to practice soul care.

And this morning, I felt something nagging me from within- an unwanted emotion.

Grief? Depression?

Hurt.

Not again. Oh, old pain, I don’t have time for you today. Not now.

But I have learned to acknowledge these feelings, because they come from deep wounds which need attention. To ignore the truth is to force it to leak out in unwanted places that produce bitter and broken fruit.

So instead of avoiding the feeling stirring inside, I stared right at it and wrote only that which was really honest:

Dear Jesus- Today I acknowledge the hurt feelings that rise up inside against my will. I check in with my soul to see what continues to need care and healing. What are the parts of me that don’t have a voice, the places that are shut tight inside? This is where I need Your grace to infiltrate and flood in. Dear soul, why are you downcast? I spent this time remembering all my hurts. Jesus, I ask You to sit with me here and show me how to heal. I give myself permission to feel wounded, and I give You permission to enter the pain and extend grace and empathy to myself, through myself, because I need to be seen today. Amen.

And I wallowed in my sorrow for a bit, because you cannot put a time limit on the healing process.

But God lifted me up when it was time to release the grief back to Him, and I credit myself with responding willingly, even though I wanted to nurse the sad for a while longer.

He said, “It's Father's Day and I am your Good Father. Tomorrow is your birthday and I am the one who created you. My child, I want to bless you here. Make room for something new.”

So I finished my breakfast, pushed back the plate and read Numbers 22 before I left to serve my church in the wee hours of the day.

No time now for context, but here is what spoke to me as I read while I sipped my water-

Numbers 22:18-19 (NLT)

¹⁸ But Balaam responded to Balak’s messengers, “Even if Balak were to give me his palace filled with silver and gold, I would be powerless to do anything against the will of the Lord my God. ¹⁹ But stay here one more night, and I will see if the Lord has anything else to say to me.”

I am powerless to do anything against the will of the Lord my God?

Well, to feel powerless is to feel vulnerable and unsafe- any human would avoid a situation where he or she feels powerless.

To be powerless is to be a victim, exposed to the will of another.

And I have learned the hard way throughout the course of 35 years that being powerless before another fallen human being is dangerous and often produces pain.

But my Father is not fallen or broken. Dangerous? Yes.

But also, He is very good.

His will is perfect. Can we submit our power to the perfect will of a loving Father?

What if I am a victim of grace?

And so I decided to wait and see if the Lord had anything else to say to me.

The house was quiet and I was running late. Nothing.

I put away the Scripture and my journal and moved into the cold morning with tired hope. I pushed chairs, pulled boxes, unloaded crates and set up the classroom.

Does the Lord have anything else to say to me?

I am working up a sweat, setting up the classrooms before the children arrive.

Enter my campus pastor, who strikes up a conversation which leads to discussion about my recent acceptance into Talbot Seminary.

“What is your major?”

“Well, I want a Master of Divinity, which will take me a long time to achieve. But the emphasis I will be working on throughout the years to come is in Pastoral Care and Counseling."

“Really? Wow, well just this week we are starting to put together a Pastoral Care Team for our campus. Let me connect you with the leaders, they would love to meet you!”

And I find myself shaking hands with a couple that wants to meet for dinner in the weeks to come, so we can discuss my experience, my story, and my desire to serve the church through Pastoral Care.

They want to consider me for their pastoral care team.

I am being seen.

~*~

Friends, only if you have followed my story will you understand the meaning this has. Since I decided to pursue seminary graduate work, new doors have opened which I could never have anticipated.

This is grace, of which I am a victim.

Several weeks ago I was invited to join a cohort which will teach me the discipline of counselling women into freedom.

Now I find myself suddenly invited to meet a couple who is interested in adding me to a newly forming pastoral care team. 

Does this chapter sound familiar??

The timing of the gift is not lost on me today, my birthday.

When I am headed towards Jesus, no matter how far away I presently am from the prize, I am powerless to do anything against the will of my Father, because even my greatest mistakes and biggest regrets have not prevented these blessings from coming.

And so as I come to the breakfast table this morning to read the Word and write about my feelings, here is my journal entry on the 35^th year of my story:

Father- you have given me the gift of second chances. I have been adopted into Your famly and I have inherited Your eternal riches. I see that You are moving in to bless me, and so I position myself to receive. Jesus, I do not deserve Your grace but I am daily given a reason to keep moving towards it. Search my heart and soul, and let Your Spirit reveal whether I am striving to earn Your love OR making efforts to draw near to it. I look back at my first 35 years and I see many seeds planted- some among the choking weeds, shallow soil or painful exposure to harm; but others in good, rich soil which will daily grow into a harvest of good fruit in the 35 years yet to come. Thank you, God, for all that You have done to reach me. I am Yours and I will follow You. Your will be done. Amen.

I am going to Seminary. I am training to be a life coach. And now I will begin the pursuit of a position in Pastoral Care for my church family.

Seriously, unreal. Just how God has given me back every thing that was lost. Not in the way I wanted, and not without massive amounts of painful refinement which continue on to this very day. But all of it with a persuasive abundance of beloved grace.

I have never been more uncertain of the future and yet certain that God is doing something new.

Can train-wrecks be redeemed? Well, mine is in the process. One year ago I was wallowing in grief to such a degree that I believed I would not see the light of another day.

Today I belong to a new church family, I embrace a lost-and-found dream, and I still battle with anxiety but in the midst of ever-increasing grace.

Here I sit, in the early morning hours of my 35th year, choosing to remain powerless before the perfect will of my good and powerful Father.

I will bask in the gift of a second chance. I will learn to trust. I will allow myself to feel joy and I will surrender more pieces of my grief.

I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very specific.

Shame has no place here.

Fear, I see you, but you cannot stay for long.

Depression, I know you are near, but my soul is in the care of Someone else.

I am a victim of Grace, and so I will surrender here and see what else He wants to say to me on this day, my birthday.

The path less traveled is certainly full of blessings, even among the rocky places of pain. If He can use my wounds for freedom, He can certainly use yours as well. Our setbacks really CAN become our superpowers.

Do not be afraid to become powerless before your Creator- His will is dangerous, but it is very good.

I will write this next year of my story as a victim of Grace.

Happy birthday to me :)

Rebecca

~*~

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Baptism And Open Doors {Breaking Free}

This time last year I was leaning over a pool publicly baptizing someone in the name of Jesus as that church community looked on with pride and joy. It was my privilege as a community pastor there on Easter day 2017.

One year later I stand humbly beside the pool, one among the crowd, as I watch my son be baptized at a new church by the campus pastor. It was a mixture of many emotions, each of which I surrendered to God so that I could continue to break free from the past.

Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus.

My first Easter weekend at Saddleback was a blessing and I chose to focus on the present abundance rather than old grief over what has been lost. God is doing something new in my life and I want to fully engage and participate in it. I want to be mindful of the present moment rather than dwell on memories which hold me back from breaking free.

If I am not mindful of my emotional health I can easily fall back into old thought patterns, the very ones which sabotaged relationships and destroyed opportunities in my past.

This last Sunday the Easter theme Pastor Rick chose to speak on was Walking Through The Door To Freedom.

“You don’t have to be behind bars to be in prison,” said Pastor Rick.

Sometimes a prison can look like a well-worn thought pattern that can’t be broken without divine intervention.

And so we must come before our King and seek freedom.

Do you ever feel small and unfulfilled? I think this is the constant battle of the human soul, to abide in the uncomfortable places where we realize our deep lack.

To realize that nothing satisfies like Jesus, not food or social media or ministry or books or writing or music or sabotage or anger or regret.

To simply realize that we are terribly thirsty and hungry for Him.

In this way the broken pieces and weak places can become beautiful things as they gently remind us of our humble humanity which is dwelling in full dependence upon a God of loving provision.

He allows us to feel the full weight of our emptiness so that we will walk through the door of His house and come to dine at His table.

“Every experience, even the most unwelcome, if offered to Jesus, can become your gateway to joy.”

–Elisabeth Elliot

As I go into the week after Easter, my agenda is very simple- draw near to the Spirit and receive love. 

This can be done when you are busy or when you are still, whether in emotional turmoil or serenity.

It is especially important to keep the plan simple when you are recovering from a season where many things have fallen apart.

“Sometimes God has to shake your foundation to set you free,” said Rick that day.

So I reflected on Easter Sunday how last year God did this very type of shaking in my life in order to wake me up and set me on a path to freedom.

I resigned from church ministry in September of 2017 and it broke my heart worse than anything I had ever known.

Ever since then I have been afraid to serve on a ministry team again.

“Fear causes you to miss God’s plan for your life.” This was our pastor’s straightforward reminder.

And it’s very true, especially in my case.

God’s plan is to free you so He can bless you.

The freedom for me this past weekend was knowing I could step down and let someone else take my place next to my son in the baptismal and still be totally at peace with all of it.

The blessing this past Easter weekend was that it was also my first time to wear a church-team logo in six months.

I donned the black Saddleback Kids t-shirt, let all my hair down for the first time in just as many months, and I served in the kindergarten classroom just like I did before my last church ministry fell apart.

Sometimes starting all over again is an unexpected joy, and building up from what you have learned is an even greater victory.

I walked through that kindergarten classroom door on Sunday in the same way that many Saddleback members walked through the big blue door set up for rededication to God- with a desire to break free.

Romans 8:1-2

8 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. ² And because you belong to him, the power^[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you^[b] from the power of sin that leads to death.

I can break out from the prison of condemnation because even though I still have a great deal left to learn, I am declared free through the death of my old self. I can walk through the door to my true purpose and my eternal calling- to dwell with God as His beloved, and to serve His people from a place of abundant blessing.

I am free to have an entirely new mindset which carries forth from the wreckage of the past and the powerful healing of forgiveness.

“You have no idea what God wants to do in your life unless you let Him free you from the prison of unforgiveness,” Rick reminded us.

I held onto offense at myself and others for many months before I could lay down my pride, face my fear and enter into a church family again.

And out of the hard lesson has come a great blessing- on the same weekend that I joined a ministry team, my son chose to be baptized.

Had I never forgiven, I would have not been given the opportunity to witness this special moment in this special way.

“Why forgive? Because God has forgiven me, resentment makes me miserable, and I am going to need more forgiveness in the future.” When Rick preached this, I nodded in silent assent.

Certainly I will need more forgiveness in the future, first for myself and then probably for others. No church family or ministry team will ever be perfect on this side of eternity, just as I will never be without shortcomings in this lifetime.

But this week God set me free to try again. I stepped through the door to freedom in so many ways this Easter season.

So I will go forward into my new serving responsibilities with perspective, reverence, joy and awareness of my weaknesses. I do not serve as a church member, a team member, a lonely outsider or a wounded soul. Nor do I serve from a place of empty longing.

Rather, I serve as a child of God from an abundance of blessing as a beloved daughter of the King.

I walked through that kindergarten door to break free from the inner voices that say I am unworthy, incapable, insignificant or foolish. No, I will listen to that voice that says I am beloved. I will give myself grace. I will silence shame. I will embrace freedom.

 I will step right over fear and find peace and contentment on the other side, the kind that only Jesus can bring.

“Break out of prison by remembering God loves me and He has a good plan for my life,” said our pastor.

With all the gratitude I have learned so far I will go into this week after Easter as nothing more or less than a beloved child of God. I will do laundry, wash dishes, fold clothes, pick up toys and shop for groceries with a simple awareness that life is short and each day belongs to my holy and good Father who loves me and sets me free and blesses me with His goodness.

I will not be afraid of my lack, but rather I will present it to God and say to Him, “Look, Father, I don’t know what to do with this piece, but it’s uncomfortable and I want it away from me.”

And He will gladly receive my empty soul and fill it with His abundant love.

How? I’m not exactly sure, because if I knew I would be totally fulfilled already. And many days I still feel unsatisfied and longing for more. But I believe that somehow He takes my honesty and turns it into blessing through the careful weaving of His plan with my life.

I know that this past weekend God used my new church family to reveal Gods blessings in the form of new steps towards freedom from my old self.

I found joy in serving on a team again, and I found joy in my son’s baptism. I found joy in my new church family. I found joy in stepping back and allowing another pastor to baptize my son. I found joy in stepping in and serving kindergartners.

It is not the story I would have written, but it is the future I am blessed to have.

“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing.”

–Oswald Chambers

Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus. So I will thank Him for reminding me of my humanity and lovingly responding to my need for grace.

I abide in His provision even when I remain hungry and thirsty for more, and I wait for more understanding to be given in His timing and not mine.

2 Corinthians 3:17

¹⁷ For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

And so this Easter weekend I was free to serve again in ministry and to celebrate with my tribe of Jesus-people as my son was baptized in their midst.

I am free to change, to learn, to surrender, to grow, to belong.

And He leans down and whispers the word “beloved” over me and my entire life story as I continue to walk through the new doors He opens for me.

Thank you, God, for Easter Weekend, baptism and open doors.

Amen.

Rebecca

~*~

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To read my story

or view my creative writing,

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