35 Years {My Gift}

God gave me a divine appointment yesterday that I will here unwrap: I can consider a position on the Pastoral Care Team for my church family.

As my readers know, later this year I will go to Seminary (I have been accepted!!) and also train as a life coach with the Freedom Center OC. And the bow on top of this gift is that I can reinstate the same title which I lost and grieved in a lengthy state of depression and self-doubt.

If you know my story, you know what this means for my faith.

Today it is my birthday- I am 35 years old. I am messy and imperfect and lacking in many ways, and so there is nothing I did to earn or deserve this chapter. This is grace.

I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very specific with my journey.

I have been invited to consider joining the Pastoral Care Team at Saddleback Church Yorba Linda. For me personally, this is big. It means that God has returned everything back to me that I thought I had lost- my dignity, my calling as a pastor, my church family, my drive to learn, my desire to grow spiritually, teaching Sunday school, setting up the church campus in the early mornings, my titles, my labels, my badge, my walkie-talkie, even becoming friends with the children's ministry pastor and the teaching pastor. 

Little things, big things. He has returned to me all the things I grieved. Not identical to what they were, but perfect because they are His and not mine. And not because I earned them back, but because His love is lavished upon me through the power of His will.

I am learning to slowly trust this truth: There is nothing you can do to fall out of the will of God if you are pursuing Him with all your heart.

Yes, Jesus awakened this call in my heart to serve in pastoral care several years ago, and so THIS time I will trust Him with the outcome.

I do not credit those who have hurt me with paving this path, because they are the ones who almost squelched it and crushed me. That damage seems even now to be permanent. However, I credit them with being the passing messengers of God's greater calling on my life.

I have learned a few things along the way. Choice mistakes into which I have dug deep, found the roots, and begun to pull them up and out.

I will not push through with striving, but I will wait for His perfect timing.

This is a birthday of second chances.

~*~

It was the early hours of Sunday morning, Father's Day, when I woke before the rest of my family in order to arrive early at the church campus to set up the Children’s Ministry area.

There would be old cars and family pictures to celebrate the Dads in our community.

I prepared to go into my day with a heart open to receive from my good Father of grace. I would receive imperfectly, but I would apply my stubborn and persistent faith to the best that I was able. For grace is not opposed to effort but to earning.

The routine actions of each morning are the same, so I can move through my sleepy morning fog with machine-like precision. And after I am ready, each morning I eat two boiled eggs followed by one banana and one scoop of soy yogurt with cinnamon and a drizzle of honey. And one tall glass of water.

I always take my bible and my journal with me to the breakfast table, even if I only have a few minutes to spare. This is one way to keep myself emotionally healthy even when I do NOT want to practice soul care.

And this morning, I felt something nagging me from within- an unwanted emotion.

Grief? Depression?

Hurt.

Not again. Oh, old pain, I don’t have time for you today. Not now.

But I have learned to acknowledge these feelings, because they come from deep wounds which need attention. To ignore the truth is to force it to leak out in unwanted places that produce bitter and broken fruit.

So instead of avoiding the feeling stirring inside, I stared right at it and wrote only that which was really honest:

Dear Jesus- Today I acknowledge the hurt feelings that rise up inside against my will. I check in with my soul to see what continues to need care and healing. What are the parts of me that don’t have a voice, the places that are shut tight inside? This is where I need Your grace to infiltrate and flood in. Dear soul, why are you downcast? I spent this time remembering all my hurts. Jesus, I ask You to sit with me here and show me how to heal. I give myself permission to feel wounded, and I give You permission to enter the pain and extend grace and empathy to myself, through myself, because I need to be seen today. Amen.

And I wallowed in my sorrow for a bit, because you cannot put a time limit on the healing process.

But God lifted me up when it was time to release the grief back to Him, and I credit myself with responding willingly, even though I wanted to nurse the sad for a while longer.

He said, “It's Father's Day and I am your Good Father. Tomorrow is your birthday and I am the one who created you. My child, I want to bless you here. Make room for something new.”

So I finished my breakfast, pushed back the plate and read Numbers 22 before I left to serve my church in the wee hours of the day.

No time now for context, but here is what spoke to me as I read while I sipped my water-

Numbers 22:18-19 (NLT)

¹⁸ But Balaam responded to Balak’s messengers, “Even if Balak were to give me his palace filled with silver and gold, I would be powerless to do anything against the will of the Lord my God. ¹⁹ But stay here one more night, and I will see if the Lord has anything else to say to me.”

I am powerless to do anything against the will of the Lord my God?

Well, to feel powerless is to feel vulnerable and unsafe- any human would avoid a situation where he or she feels powerless.

To be powerless is to be a victim, exposed to the will of another.

And I have learned the hard way throughout the course of 35 years that being powerless before another fallen human being is dangerous and often produces pain.

But my Father is not fallen or broken. Dangerous? Yes.

But also, He is very good.

His will is perfect. Can we submit our power to the perfect will of a loving Father?

What if I am a victim of grace?

And so I decided to wait and see if the Lord had anything else to say to me.

The house was quiet and I was running late. Nothing.

I put away the Scripture and my journal and moved into the cold morning with tired hope. I pushed chairs, pulled boxes, unloaded crates and set up the classroom.

Does the Lord have anything else to say to me?

I am working up a sweat, setting up the classrooms before the children arrive.

Enter my campus pastor, who strikes up a conversation which leads to discussion about my recent acceptance into Talbot Seminary.

“What is your major?”

“Well, I want a Master of Divinity, which will take me a long time to achieve. But the emphasis I will be working on throughout the years to come is in Pastoral Care and Counseling."

“Really? Wow, well just this week we are starting to put together a Pastoral Care Team for our campus. Let me connect you with the leaders, they would love to meet you!”

And I find myself shaking hands with a couple that wants to meet for dinner in the weeks to come, so we can discuss my experience, my story, and my desire to serve the church through Pastoral Care.

They want to consider me for their pastoral care team.

I am being seen.

~*~

Friends, only if you have followed my story will you understand the meaning this has. Since I decided to pursue seminary graduate work, new doors have opened which I could never have anticipated.

This is grace, of which I am a victim.

Several weeks ago I was invited to join a cohort which will teach me the discipline of counselling women into freedom.

Now I find myself suddenly invited to meet a couple who is interested in adding me to a newly forming pastoral care team. 

Does this chapter sound familiar??

The timing of the gift is not lost on me today, my birthday.

When I am headed towards Jesus, no matter how far away I presently am from the prize, I am powerless to do anything against the will of my Father, because even my greatest mistakes and biggest regrets have not prevented these blessings from coming.

And so as I come to the breakfast table this morning to read the Word and write about my feelings, here is my journal entry on the 35^th year of my story:

Father- you have given me the gift of second chances. I have been adopted into Your famly and I have inherited Your eternal riches. I see that You are moving in to bless me, and so I position myself to receive. Jesus, I do not deserve Your grace but I am daily given a reason to keep moving towards it. Search my heart and soul, and let Your Spirit reveal whether I am striving to earn Your love OR making efforts to draw near to it. I look back at my first 35 years and I see many seeds planted- some among the choking weeds, shallow soil or painful exposure to harm; but others in good, rich soil which will daily grow into a harvest of good fruit in the 35 years yet to come. Thank you, God, for all that You have done to reach me. I am Yours and I will follow You. Your will be done. Amen.

I am going to Seminary. I am training to be a life coach. And now I will begin the pursuit of a position in Pastoral Care for my church family.

Seriously, unreal. Just how God has given me back every thing that was lost. Not in the way I wanted, and not without massive amounts of painful refinement which continue on to this very day. But all of it with a persuasive abundance of beloved grace.

I have never been more uncertain of the future and yet certain that God is doing something new.

Can train-wrecks be redeemed? Well, mine is in the process. One year ago I was wallowing in grief to such a degree that I believed I would not see the light of another day.

Today I belong to a new church family, I embrace a lost-and-found dream, and I still battle with anxiety but in the midst of ever-increasing grace.

Here I sit, in the early morning hours of my 35th year, choosing to remain powerless before the perfect will of my good and powerful Father.

I will bask in the gift of a second chance. I will learn to trust. I will allow myself to feel joy and I will surrender more pieces of my grief.

I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very specific.

Shame has no place here.

Fear, I see you, but you cannot stay for long.

Depression, I know you are near, but my soul is in the care of Someone else.

I am a victim of Grace, and so I will surrender here and see what else He wants to say to me on this day, my birthday.

The path less traveled is certainly full of blessings, even among the rocky places of pain. If He can use my wounds for freedom, He can certainly use yours as well. Our setbacks really CAN become our superpowers.

Do not be afraid to become powerless before your Creator- His will is dangerous, but it is very good.

I will write this next year of my story as a victim of Grace.

Happy birthday to me :)

Rebecca

~*~

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Welcome Worry, Invite Jesus {A Margin Of Surrender}

This egg has been abandoned because of fear. It lies cold and dead, a memorial to all that could have been. It will never live to its potential because its mother fled away in fear from territorial attackers.

The enemy is always looking for ways to squelch our best intentions- this is why the Universe is always sending us countering messages of hope. But we must actively listen, because the opposition is loud and demanding while the gentle inner Voice will never squabble for our attention.

Who knew that hopes and dreams were such targets for oppression?

To run away from fear is to abandon your hopes and dreams to the clutches of a hard and broken world.

When you deny your emotions, it is like fleeing the nest egg of your hearts desires.

So now is the time to sit and be silent.

Listen. Take inventory of the emotion inside yourself.

What do you feel? What resides there in the hidden places of your soul?

Yes, there it is inside, deep down beneath the busy of the day- worry.

I see you, fear. I see you anxiety. Sit with me.

Perhaps this worry is an unwelcome guest, or maybe it is an old roommate. No matter- welcome it anyways.

It brings a whole host of cohorts- anxiety, fear, bitterness, anger, doubt.

Welcome worry?

Yes. Welcome it.

Allow worry to enter in and sit beside you. Say,

“Welcome, worry, please take a seat.

Thank you for being here, I acknowledge what you bring.

Although you cannot stay here for long, I invite you to dwell with me here.

Please, tell me what it is that you need.”

Always ask worry what it needs, because there is always a deeper longing that drove it to knock on your door.

I was once opposed to worry, and I denied it, stuffed it down and shut it out.

I said to myself, “No worry! Just stop worrying!”

But when I do this, worry finds other ways to get in- it sneaks in a window and surprises me from behind or haunts me from the shadows. It ruins my life if I don’t make space for it.

Worry takes many forms, which is why our very own Pastor Swamidass spoke about it from the pulpit-

How To Free Myself From The Weight Of Worry- Living On A Margin – Part 6.

This week I was worried about what would happen next on my journey to becoming a counselor. I was searching for validation from my Father as to what my next step should be.

I wanted to start in the Fall semester but I was worried about a confliction with an already-committed family trip. It would cause me to miss class for a full week of vacation, which is rather unacceptable when you are working with a committed attitude towards your M.Div. I debated pushing my start date out another 9 months, which seemed so very far away considering the fire burning in my heart.

And I worried.

“God,” I prayed, “I come before you with a new desire in my heart- I believe You put it there in Your loving kindness towards me. I want to go back to school for my Masters degree. I will not be afraid to trust You- I sense that this dream is not only in line with Your plan, it is what You have wanted for me for a long time.  You simply had to wait  for me to arrive at it in my own way, in my own time. Please, Father, can I have Your provision for this dream?”

Welcome, worry. 

Welcome, Jesus.

Sit with me here. Let’s all meet together.

I have made margin for both of you at the table of my soul.

“Father, I usually don’t ask for big picture items, but You put this desire within me for a reason. I thank You for bringing attention to the dream in my heart, to become a counselor and life-coach so that I can talk others through hard seasons and the worries of their own lives. Someday I want to have a little office somewhere, maybe in a church or a freedom center, where I can make this vocation a reality. God, I humbly ask for Your provision and support to move ahead into this dream for my life.”

Now Jesus is leaning over the table, meeting with my worry and communing with it. It won’t be long before my worry can let go of me, so that I can surrender it up to Him.

“I have never had a great aspiration that was all just for myself, so this feels foreign. I don’t know how to ask You this, Jesus, but here goes: Please send me affirmation with every step I take, so that I have the internal conviction that I am not alone and that You are working beside me. I need You at the center of this vision for my future. I want to do this work in Your name, for Your glory and for my joy. Amen.”

The Admissions Counselor smiles kindly and nods when I ask about my week vacation- she turns to look at her computer screen, clicks and scrolls while I wait, and then turns to me with these words which I will never forget-

“Well, it looks like the date of your upcoming vacation will coincide with the week when the entire school shuts down for a conference. There should not be a problem with those dates at all.”

Jesus.

Truly, I must be His favorite, because He shut down the entire campus just so I could take my vacation and also start school in the Fall. This is affirmation, not coincidence. Thank you, Jesus.

Worry has fled the room, and I breathe deep. It is just Jesus sitting beside me now, the sound of grace bouncing off the empty furniture. I will remember this moment in the days to come, when I doubt my motives and question my ambitions. I will remember how He affirms me.

Welcome worry so that you can give it what it needs and then release it away from yourself.

And when I get home I remember what our Pastor Swamidass said from the screen on Sunday- 

“Walk in the peace He provides. The difference between terror and excitement is trusting who is in control.”

If I am not careful, the excitement of my journey can become terror- only when I welcome Jesus into my worry can I reset my intentions.

Only when I make margin for the worry to be acknowledged, welcomed, and fully felt can it  then be fully released to Jesus because I remember that the outcome of each fear can be freely surrendered to Him.

If you long for the three fundamental needs of human existence, love, safety, and control, then you must first meet with yourself on the level of your emotions.

Take stock of your emotions, meet with them, greet them with respect and hear their needs without judgement. Then invite Jesus into each piece of insecurity and watch how He begins a healing work in those hurting places.

When I worry, I have begun to welcome the worry as a friend in need of guidance. “Welcome, worry, you are invited to be here for a little while. Tell me what you need.”

When worry is triggered in a relationship, I say “Welcome, Jesus. You are here with me.”

When worry is activated inside my body as anxiety, I say “Welcome, Jesus, welcome inside this part of me that feels fear.”

When worry rises up with hurtful memories, I say “Welcome, Jesus, I invite you into my past because only You know how to heal it.”

This welcoming prayer is a tool that I use to heal my emotional wounds and insecurities- I need it daily, especially since beginning this unexpected journey towards something new.

Our emotions like to present themselves as complicated, but usually they are not so. Often, at the center of an emotional reaction is a wound, plain and simple, and inviting the professional Counselor of our souls is exactly what we need to begin the healing process.

Friends, allow me this one last thing before I conclude-

Before my intention to attend school and return to studies, my husband had the inclination to build me an office space. It was supposed to be for my creative writing, which I do on the side. He ordered the furniture and drew up the plans.

Turns out he was creating a space for my studies before either of us realized.

But there was certainly Someone who knew exactly what would be needed, and He was one step ahead of me lighting the way.

Reader, I invite you to say this when you feel your own worry rising-

The Welcoming Prayer (by Father Thomas Keating)
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me today
because I know it's for my healing.
I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons,
situations, and conditions.
I let go of my desire for power and control.
I let go of my desire for affection, esteem,
approval and pleasure.
I let go of my desire for survival and security.
I let go of my desire to change any situation,
condition, person or myself.
I open to the love and presence of God and
God's action within. Amen.

Friends, combat your worry with contemplative prayer- invite Jesus into the dark places, the hurting places, the doubt and the fear. Let Him abide with you in anxiety and begin His healing work in your soul.

The tiny egg of our desires will be abandoned because of fear if we do not actively fight for a place in the margin where we can sit and nurse our frightened inner child.

Who knew that hopes and dreams were such targets for emotional violence?

To run away from fear is to abandon your hopes and dreams to the clutches of a hard and broken world.

So when worry comes in to attack your territory, do not flee- welcome it in and open up a conversation with it. Find out what it needs.

Contemplate your fears without criticizing them- invite Jesus to abide in them with you, find out what you need, and trust Him to meet that need.

He may just build you a desk or cancel a week of school just to affirm His love for you.

And if not that, at the very least He will bring the peace that passes understanding, because He cares about what happens to you.

Trust your emotions to the One who made them and gave them to you.

Trust your desires to the One who put them in your heart.

Welcome your worry, invite your Savior, and abide in the margin of surrender and healing.

Sit there with your dreams, keep them warm, and do not abandon the nest which holds the desires of your heart.

Beneath those worries you will find a treasure. Don't be afraid to dig deep to find it. Don't be afraid to sit with yourself in the pit even when it's scary.

Extend empathy and compassion to yourself because this keeps your spirit warm.

Remain diligent, my friends. Sit in the margin even when worry comes, and never abandon the God-given needs of your soul.

With Love,

Rebecca

~*~

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Designed To Desire {A Margin Of Contentment}

Today I taught my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus, and I also had the opportunity to preach this lesson to myself:

I am designed to desire contentment, 

and it can be found in the margin of Grace.

But this is hard.

My favorite author Dallas Willard puts the struggle this way: “Almost all of us are acutely aware of how the incessant clamorings of our bodies defeat our intentions to ‘be spiritual’”.

But what does it mean to be truly content?

Today this human question makes sense to me in a new way, and I have a bit more hope about the answer than I did the day before.

And so I am here cooking dinner and contemplating this with a heart full of gratitude on a Sunday evening.

Contentment is as much a spiritual posture as it is a physical discipline. It means coming before God as an empty vessel and receiving His declaration that we are beautifully made and eternally loved even if we remain empty forever- and THEN allowing Him to fill us up with whatever He deems best.

Contentment requires deep trust, both in ourselves as we remain vulnerable and open, and in our God as He determines what to pour into our lives as He meets our needs.

We were all born brimming with desire- we are creatures of deep need and longing, filled with a gaping emptiness that we ourselves cannot fill. From birth we are screaming for fulfillment and are helpless to achieve it on our own- no, we must look to our Provider as he meets our needs through His created things.

We desire to desire.

And then we want our desires to be met quickly. And then we desire to desire again.

It is a vicious cycle.

BUT we WERE designed to desire- except in a whole and healthy Kingdom, not in this broken wounded one full of scarcity and fear.

So we must lean into the vulnerability of desire and abide in the full awareness of the deep hunger in our souls.

This week we gathered as a church family to hear about “Learning To Be Content”, part four of the Living on a Margin series.

Though this week’s topic might seems to be surface level, in actuality it plumbs down into the depths of our beings and can reveal some critical components about who we are and where we are going, both as individuals and as a human race.

To learn to be content is to begin the practice of soul care.

Because our souls are crying out for permission to abide with God in this, the present moment, without rushing on in haste for satisfaction of something more, which in actuality is something less.

To be discontent is to disparage the value of who you have already become.

As Pastor Dave Page said on Sunday, “Contentment is margin for your soul.” Indeed, it is the place where we sit with our needs without pushing them away or strangling them close- resting in the desire without squelching it.

Each week I have the joy of teaching elementary students about Jesus- this week we covered the topic of Jesus being tempted by Satan in the wilderness. I would like to correlate what Pastor Page said about contentment with what I taught my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus. I think it pieces together nicely, and I thank the Spirit for the correlating of these different ideas.

Pastor Dave gave three truths about contentment which line up quite nicely with the three tests that Christ experienced in my Sunday school lesson from Matthew 4:1-13.

~*~

IDEA ONE:

One of the points on our Sunday morning outline was the idea that “Contentment isn’t found in what happens to me”.

Perhaps I can rephrase this to fit my own flawed thinking, the seed of so many of my mistakes-

LIE #1: I AM WHAT I DO.

This misconception will lead to a great deal of discontent in the lives of all of us, and it is a lie that most people, including myself, believe on a regular basis. To wage war against this tragedy we must wield our contentment with mindfulness and gratitude for each present moment.

We must fight against the lie that we are what we do, whether that action is good or bad.

As the adults were learning this in the auditorium, here is what I was learning with my Saddleback Kids-

4 Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River. He was led by the Spirit in the wilderness,^[a] 2 where he was tempted by the devil for forty days. Jesus ate nothing all that time and became very hungry.

³ Then the devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become a loaf of bread.”

⁴ But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone.’^[b]”

Can’t you hear the voice of the enemy here?

Make bread, Jesus, you need to do something or you will die! God cannot provide!

That voice tells us to be discontented with our circumstances, DO SOMETHING, take action to fix the problem, the contentment will be found within our abilities as an individual apart from God. You must react NOW.

This voice gets me in trouble.

I have reacted in foolish ways to what I thought I needed to do. I believed that I needed to perform for love.

This is why Jesus said NO, I am not “what I do”, because the human body needs to rely on God in order to nourish the soul.

No, I am not what I do, because my identity and worth as a child of God is not founded on my actions (thank God!) but upon His.

No, I am not what I do, and if I believe that, I will always be discontented, because I will always fall short.

If I am what I do, then I am a sinner, a failure, a reject, a prodigal, homeless, churchless, an orphan.

But this is not true of me, because-

Contentment is found

in what He lovingly does

to nourish my faith

in the margins of each day.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

IDEA TWO:

 We also heard this statement from the pulpit on Sunday- “Contentment isn’t found in what I have.”

Put another way-

Lie #2: I AM WHAT I HAVE.

And my Saddleback kids and I learned the next part of the story from Luke-

⁵ Then the devil took him up and revealed to him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. ⁶ “I will give you the glory of these kingdoms and authority over them,” the devil said, “because they are mine to give to anyone I please. ⁷ I will give it all to you if you will worship me.”

⁸ Jesus replied, “The Scriptures say,

‘You must worship the Lord your God
    and serve only him.’^[c]”

Do you recognize the voice of the enemy on this one?

You are what you have. Collect as much as you can, keep a list, make a chart, compare yourself. 

Keep track, hold on to your hurts because they define you, possess and own every offense done to you because it empowers you. If you identify yourself with what you have then you will be abundant with wealth, riches, power, safety.

This is a scarcity mindset- keep everything for yourself, because there is not enough to go around.

No, friends, this is not the Kingdom economy. I have learned the hard way (and continue to learn) that the Kingdom currency has turned the competition of the world upside down.

There is no scarcity in Jesus, only abundance.

If I am what I have, then I am in great trouble because I have regret, grief, shame, fear, anxiety, hurts, grievances, grudges, and offense, just to name a few. I could never be content with this lot. When I identity myself with the feelings and thoughts that I have, I identify myself with internal chaos and rampant discontentment.

Alternately, when I judge the value of my person based on my material possessions, then the value of my life is time-stamped and perishable at best, old and useless at its worst, and is always based on an endless desire for more, more, more.

Scarcity is the death of contentment.

I am surely glad to know that I am not what I have. Rather-

Contentment is found

in what He provides

to grow my trust in Him

in the margins of every hour.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

Finally, the greatest temptation of all is presented to us. Church, we must hear this one for all it’s worth, because to miss this is to fail to heed a major warning.

IDEA THREE:

This is the hardest lesson of all, the one we have all believed again and again. It’s the area of desire which is the most tempting, which is why Satan saved the best for last with Jesus.

It is the lie that we need the approval of others to be called a child of God.

It’s the lie that says we are only worthy of love and belonging if we are liked by everyone around us.

It’s the lie that says we might not be safe to belong in this world as we truly are.

LIE #3: I AM WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME.

Oh this one is powerful, dreadfully so. Which is why we were reminded by our teaching Pastor on Sunday- “Contentment isn’t found in comparing myself with others.”

We are all bent towards a desire for validation from other humans- it is perhaps one of our greatest weaknesses. We want to be well liked, well respected, spoken highly of. When we are not, what are we?

We desire prestige, respect, admiration. We are not content if we don’t have it.

We want to know that when we jump, we will be caught and raised up, lifted high by the praises of our peers, friends, church and family.

We want to know that we are safe to belong, and that if we fall our community will be there to catch us.

But I know this is not always the case, and from Jesus’ example we can all see how it is dangerous to make a blind leap onto the opinions of others-

⁹ Then the devil took him to Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! ¹⁰ For the Scriptures say,

‘He will order his angels to protect and guard you.
¹¹ And they will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’^[d]”

¹² Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God.’^[e]”

Instead of looking to people for validation, we are called by God to look to Him and Him alone. All else is secondary.

But we desire human praises, which is why we become co-dependent, anxious and fearful of rejection.

It hurts to be let down, and it hurts to let down others. I have experienced both, very deeply. Which is why I can appreciate this final temptation of Jesus on a personal level.

Jump and test if they will catch you.

What happens when they don’t?

You are wounded deeply and you will never be the same.

So we must get up, regroup, attend therapy and hear what God is teaching us-

Contentment is found

in what He says about me

in the margins of each moment.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

Yes, teaching my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus was really about preaching a lesson to myself, a lesson which was reinforced by the Sunday sermon later that morning.

And it is a good lesson to be reminded of, because discontent is a human problem and a human being who lives a contented life is a rare thing indeed.

The enemy wants for nothing more than to keep us restless, unhappy, unsatisfied and looking in the wrong places for answers. This has been the war tactic for ages.

¹³ When the devil had finished tempting Jesus, he left him until the next opportunity came.

Because rest assured, my friends, the feelings of discontent will come. We will desire things we think we need, things which we mistakenly assume shape our identity: to HAVE, to DO, to BE in ways that do not involve the Kingdom economy of our God.

But God is in the business of refining our desires to make them look like His- holy and good and blessed, nourishing and full of freedom to claim our true identity as a child of the King.

Remember, His Kingdom is upside-down community, and the only thing you have for sure is Him, the only thing you do is receive His love, and the only thing spoken over you is beloved.

If you recognize any of my ideas here from the vastly underrated, late, great Henri Nouwen, that’s because he has been my inspiration for much of my thought process these past few months. In his beautiful sermon called “The Life Of The Beloved”, Nouwen teaches lessons about contentment through the same scripture I shared with you here.

Can we be content with the love of our Creator? If all we have is Jesus, is that enough? Even if we are alone in our contentment sometimes?

If He said you are worth dying and rising for, what does that mean for your identity?

We don’t need to HAVE, to DO, or to BE anything before the throne of God in order to belong and to be loved. We simply need to be content with His forgiveness and His grace.

Contentment is a process and a journey, and so I have a very long road ahead of me. But if we keep our eyes set firmly on Him and submerge ourselves in His Word, then we will come out victorious because God is in the business of redeeming our desires so that He can fulfill them with His love.

May you go into your day with an awareness that God is working in the margins to take action for you, to provide for you, and to speak words of adoration over you.

Meet Him in the margin and surrender your desires to Him while they still feel unmet, because He welcomes us just as we are, here and now.

Contentment is a spiritual posture- it means coming before God as an empty vessel and receiving His declaration that we are beautifully made and eternally loved even if we remain empty forever- and THEN allowing Him to fill us up with whatever He deems best.

Contentment requires deep trust, both in ourselves as we remain vulnerable and open, and in our God as He determines what is best to pour into our lives as He meets our needs.

What do you desire? Though your desires might seem to be surface level, in actuality they plumb down into the depths of your being and can reveal some critical components about who you are and where you are going, both as an individual and within your greater community.

To learn to be content is to begin the practice of soul care. So it is here in the margin of your daily activity that you will find true contentment and lasting fulfillment, even in the midst of momentary or even prolonged dissatisfaction.

Be blessed, Saddleback family. May the incessant clamorings of our minds and bodies propel us to rest more deeply in His arms.

I love you, church, and I thank God for you.

I am so thankful that Jesus is using you to teach me these important lessons.

May we grow together in the margin of His Grace, because we are designed to desire contentment in Him, and the sooner we acknowledge this the closer we move towards victory.

With Gratitude~

Rebecca

~*~

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