There are two options available to us in every circumstance
of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because
they cannot co-exist. So what are we most afraid of?
For me, it’s the fear of not belonging.
I have found a safe place to sit and receive love. I sit and
listen to the Spirit. It’s a discipline and a practice which is far from
perfect, but still it brings comfort and peace.
I sit with my back to the window, so that the sunshine and
the breeze come in from behind me, and I wrap myself in my favorite shawl. I
sit silently without moving, listening to the birds in the trees and the wind-chimes
on the patio. I hold my tea-cup of water in both hands and I dwell with myself
and my God.
I try to sort through all
the things that bother me, the truth and the lies. I try to find myself, my
faith, my Jesus.
I listened to Henri Nouwen’s sermon on "The Life Of The Beloved". He asked his audience to consider the
three main lies we tell ourselves- I
am what I DO, I am what I HAVE, and I am what people SAY about me.
He asks us to remember that we are each beloved of God, and
our only true identity is child of God.
Nothing else defines who we are. Nothing
else.
It is finished.
What are the lies I tell myself? I don’t belong, I am too
much for people, I am insignificant, I am invisible, I am incapable of
connection, I have no ministry, I don’t
make a difference.
My logical self knows
these are lies, but the emotional child inside hasn’t been convinced.
I have been watching a bird trying to repurpose an abandoned
nest this week. All throughout the day she comes with things to patch and
rebuild this old nest which has gone unused for several years.
I don’t know why I left it there, but for some reason I
couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. Perhaps because it represented such
hard work followed by failure, as the original builders were driven away by territorial
neighbors. They lost their babies in the fray, and they never came back.
I watch this new bird as she is building up from the ruins,
and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that which was
damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.
This is hard.
So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with my
feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.
Today
is Good Friday.
It is finished.
That’s what I heard Pastor Rick talk about last night as I
tuned into the live feed on FB. I was hoping to catch my favorite female pastor who sometimes teaches online, and when I missed her session I ended up watching the Saddleback Good
Friday sermon instead:
The response within me was to post my heart out because I
was so deeply moved- not necessarily by Pastor Rick’s words, although they were
good.
I was moved by the idea that Jesus said “it is finished”.
When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!”
Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
What is finished?
This is what welled up in my heart as I asked myself what
this meant for me this Easter season:
Looking for closure? Trying to make it turn out perfect? Ahhh, me too. Sometimes I try to force the ending of things I want to have control over- but God says "no, let Me finish it. Let me write the ending, my child. I will finish this chapter for you." That's what Good Friday reminds me about this year. There is nothing that we need to DO because it has been DONE and it is FINISHED. In my own life I struggle with finding peace and acceptance when everything is not completed how I want- things left undone will leave me unsettled. The message of Good Friday is a reminder that there will be some things which never have closure or completion in this life. BUT nothing will be left unfinished when we get to the other side and God welcomes us into eternity. Because He finished for us that which we could never complete on our own, and it encompasses EVERYTHING, including the stuff we feel is left undone. So even if something feels unfinished in this life, rest in knowing that what He has done means I don't have to DO anything except receive persuasive grace with abundant gratitude. God sees the ending of our story and the final chapter says that things which were left undone are now FINISHED in Him. Sometimes closure looks like a cross and sounds like a declaration- It Is Finished. This includes EVERYTHING, even those pieces of our journey without happy endings in this life. Thank you Jesus. Amen. #EasterAtSaddleback
This was the start of 24 hours of deep contemplation for me, a process which bled over into Good Friday.
I asked myself these questions:
I asked myself these questions:
~What am I most afraid of? Not making a difference.
~What are the lies I tell myself about who I am? I am small
and insignificant.
~And what was finished
on Good Friday? All the things left undone. So many things.
I listened to a podcast from Fun Therapy by Mike Foster in which a woman named Annie Downs does an on-air
therapy session. She talked about feelings of rejection and what it means to
truly belong.
Such a powerful interview, and I cannot recommend it highly enough
to my readers: Fun Therapy is an amazing listen.
The guest, Annie, talked about how we sometimes try to deal with pain by numbing out or
medicating/managing the emotion instead of facing it head on.
So I asked myself another question as I sipped from my cup,
there in the quiet sun on a Good Friday.
How
do I medicate?
Off the top of my
head, I can answer with four things that seem most apparent:
~Eating- No I don’t
have an eating disorder, but yes I can sometimes use food as comfort in order
to cope. When I am sad I consume sugar like there is no tomorrow. Or I chew gum
like a fiend. Or both. It has been especially noticeable the past few months- I
am actively making a change in my diet (cutting candy) and gum habit (only
after a meal), and the resulting struggle proves just how often I use food to make me
happy.
~Cleaning- I feel
the most productive and useful while I vacuum, fold laundry, make beds, clean
up toys, pack lunches and wash dishes. My self worth goes up because, as Mr.
Nouwen pointed out, I sometimes believe the lie that I am what I DO with my
hands.
~Social Media-
Sometimes this is a blessing and other times it’s a curse. When I am in a low
and empty place, social media can be a way to find a quick fix for loneliness. I
am trying to become more mindful of what mood I am in when I surf, and what I
am seeking when I share.
~Music- My
earphones and my iTunes are wonderful when I am feeling whole. But when I need
to process an emotion, these can become an easy distraction from thinking too
deeply. I can drown out the things I don’t want to think about. Even if it’s
worship music, it can still become an idol.
I am learning to stop trying to manage the emotion and start
surrendering it to Jesus.
So I find myself spending a good amount of time sitting by
the window in my bedroom today, back to the sun as I contemplate Good Friday.
What is finished?
All
the things left undone.
I need to teach my body that it does not need to medicate
emotion, because what I need has already been accomplished for me.
What I need is already provided.
I just need to receive love today.
I smile at the pillow that sits across from me on my bed,
which says “all you need is love and the beach.”
Yes, because it is finished, so all I need to do today is
sit with Jesus on the shore of my tumultuous sea of thoughts and feelings and simply receive His love.
Tonight I will go and worship with my church family at
Saddleback; I will lovingly take the bread and the cup. My neighbors invited me to a different Sadddleback
campus than the one I serve on Sunday. But it doesn’t matter what church I find
myself singing at, the emotion is always the same- I love the church and I just want to worship with my beloved tribe
of Jesus people.
I go to lay down my fears, my management tools, my doubts. I
surrender it all to Him once again.
I will nail all. the. things. to the cross.
And tomorrow I will go and see my son get baptized, and I
will witness how God has brought such good out of such a hard season.
And I will be
grateful for this Good Friday.
All the things
which feel undone, the past which brings pain, that chapter is written and
closed out.
There are two options available to us in every circumstance
of every day: love or fear. That is why perfect love casts out fear, because
they cannot coexist. So what am I most afraid of?
I am deeply afraid of not belonging.
It’s one thing to be loved. It’s quite another thing altogether
to belong.
I watch the little bird on my patio as she builds up from
the ruins, and I think about facing hardship and piecing back together that
which was damaged- honoring the past while moving on into new things.
This is hard.
So I sit on that seat by the window and I dwell with all the
things: my feelings, my thoughts, my spirit and my God.
Today is Good Friday.
And so I receive this today: I am beloved of God, and my
only true identity is child of God.
Nothing else defines who I am.
All the things that are still left undone and imperfect,
they can have closure because Jesus said it is finished.
It
is finished.
Amen.
Rebecca
~*~
To read my
story
or view my
creative writing,
please visit my original blog site.
