One year later I stand humbly beside the pool, one among the crowd, as I watch my son be baptized at a new church by the campus pastor. It was a mixture of many emotions, each of which I surrendered to God so that I could continue to break free from the past.
Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus.
My first Easter weekend at Saddleback was a blessing and I chose to focus on the present abundance rather than old grief over what has been lost. God is doing something new in my life and I want to fully engage and participate in it. I want to be mindful of the present moment rather than dwell on memories which hold me back from breaking free.
If I am not mindful of my emotional health I can easily fall back into old thought patterns, the very ones which sabotaged relationships and destroyed opportunities in my past.
This last Sunday the Easter theme Pastor Rick chose to speak on was Walking Through The Door To Freedom.
“You don’t have to be behind bars to be in prison,” said Pastor Rick.
Sometimes a prison can look like a well-worn thought pattern that can’t be broken without divine intervention.
And so we must come before our King and seek freedom.
Do you ever feel small and unfulfilled? I think this is the constant battle of the human soul, to abide in the uncomfortable places where we realize our deep lack.
To realize that nothing satisfies like Jesus, not food or social media or ministry or books or writing or music or sabotage or anger or regret.
To simply realize that we are terribly thirsty and hungry for Him.
In this way the broken pieces and weak places can become beautiful things as they gently remind us of our humble humanity which is dwelling in full dependence upon a God of loving provision.
He allows us to feel the full weight of our emptiness so that we will walk through the door of His house and come to dine at His table.
“Every experience, even the most unwelcome, if offered to Jesus, can become your gateway to joy.”
–Elisabeth Elliot
As I go into the week after Easter, my agenda is very simple- draw near to the Spirit and receive love.
This can be done when you are busy or when you are still, whether in emotional turmoil or serenity.
It is especially important to keep the plan simple when you are recovering from a season where many things have fallen apart.
“Sometimes God has to shake your foundation to set you free,” said Rick that day.
So I reflected on Easter Sunday how last year God did this very type of shaking in my life in order to wake me up and set me on a path to freedom.
I resigned from church ministry in September of 2017 and it broke my heart worse than anything I had ever known.
Ever since then I have been afraid to serve on a ministry team again.
“Fear causes you to miss God’s plan for your life.” This was our pastor’s straightforward reminder.
And it’s very true, especially in my case.
God’s plan is to free you so He can bless you.
The freedom for me this past weekend was knowing I could step down and let someone else take my place next to my son in the baptismal and still be totally at peace with all of it.
The blessing this past Easter weekend was that it was also my first time to wear a church-team logo in six months.
I donned the black Saddleback Kids t-shirt, let all my hair down for the first time in just as many months, and I served in the kindergarten classroom just like I did before my last church ministry fell apart.
Sometimes starting all over again is an unexpected joy, and building up from what you have learned is an even greater victory.
I walked through that kindergarten classroom door on Sunday in the same way that many Saddleback members walked through the big blue door set up for rededication to God- with a desire to break free.
Romans 8:1-2
8 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death.
I can break out from the prison of condemnation because even though I still have a great deal left to learn, I am declared free through the death of my old self. I can walk through the door to my true purpose and my eternal calling- to dwell with God as His beloved, and to serve His people from a place of abundant blessing.
I am free to have an entirely new mindset which carries forth from the wreckage of the past and the powerful healing of forgiveness.
“You have no idea what God wants to do in your life unless you let Him free you from the prison of unforgiveness,” Rick reminded us.
I held onto offense at myself and others for many months before I could lay down my pride, face my fear and enter into a church family again.
And out of the hard lesson has come a great blessing- on the same weekend that I joined a ministry team, my son chose to be baptized.
Had I never forgiven, I would have not been given the opportunity to witness this special moment in this special way.
“Why forgive? Because God has forgiven me, resentment makes me miserable, and I am going to need more forgiveness in the future.” When Rick preached this, I nodded in silent assent.
Certainly I will need more forgiveness in the future, first for myself and then probably for others. No church family or ministry team will ever be perfect on this side of eternity, just as I will never be without shortcomings in this lifetime.
But this week God set me free to try again. I stepped through the door to freedom in so many ways this Easter season.
So I will go forward into my new serving responsibilities with perspective, reverence, joy and awareness of my weaknesses. I do not serve as a church member, a team member, a lonely outsider or a wounded soul. Nor do I serve from a place of empty longing.
Rather, I serve as a child of God from an abundance of blessing as a beloved daughter of the King.
I walked through that kindergarten door to break free from the inner voices that say I am unworthy, incapable, insignificant or foolish. No, I will listen to that voice that says I am beloved. I will give myself grace. I will silence shame. I will embrace freedom.
I will step right over fear and find peace and contentment on the other side, the kind that only Jesus can bring.
“Break out of prison by remembering God loves me and He has a good plan for my life,” said our pastor.
With all the gratitude I have learned so far I will go into this week after Easter as nothing more or less than a beloved child of God. I will do laundry, wash dishes, fold clothes, pick up toys and shop for groceries with a simple awareness that life is short and each day belongs to my holy and good Father who loves me and sets me free and blesses me with His goodness.
I will not be afraid of my lack, but rather I will present it to God and say to Him, “Look, Father, I don’t know what to do with this piece, but it’s uncomfortable and I want it away from me.”
And He will gladly receive my empty soul and fill it with His abundant love.
How? I’m not exactly sure, because if I knew I would be totally fulfilled already. And many days I still feel unsatisfied and longing for more. But I believe that somehow He takes my honesty and turns it into blessing through the careful weaving of His plan with my life.
I know that this past weekend God used my new church family to reveal Gods blessings in the form of new steps towards freedom from my old self.
I found joy in serving on a team again, and I found joy in my son’s baptism. I found joy in my new church family. I found joy in stepping back and allowing another pastor to baptize my son. I found joy in stepping in and serving kindergartners.
It is not the story I would have written, but it is the future I am blessed to have.
“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing.”
–Oswald Chambers
Life is short and each day belongs to Jesus. So I will thank Him for reminding me of my humanity and lovingly responding to my need for grace.
I abide in His provision even when I remain hungry and thirsty for more, and I wait for more understanding to be given in His timing and not mine.
2 Corinthians 3:17
17 For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
And so this Easter weekend I was free to serve again in ministry and to celebrate with my tribe of Jesus-people as my son was baptized in their midst.
I am free to change, to learn, to surrender, to grow, to belong.
And He leans down and whispers the word “beloved” over me and my entire life story as I continue to walk through the new doors He opens for me.
Thank you, God, for Easter Weekend, baptism and open doors.
Amen.
Rebecca
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