As my readers know, later this year I will go to Seminary (I have been accepted!!) and also train as a life coach with the Freedom Center OC. And the bow on top of this gift is that I can reinstate the same title which I lost and grieved in a lengthy state of depression and self-doubt.
If you know my story, you know what this means for my faith.
Today it is my birthday- I am 35 years old. I am messy and imperfect and lacking in many ways, and so there is nothing I did to earn or deserve this chapter. This is grace.
I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future
and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very
specific with my journey.
I have been invited to consider joining the Pastoral Care Team
at Saddleback Church Yorba Linda. For me personally, this is big. It means that God has returned everything back to me that I thought I had lost- my dignity, my calling as a pastor, my church family, my drive to learn, my desire to grow spiritually, teaching Sunday school, setting up the church campus in the early mornings, my titles, my labels, my badge, my walkie-talkie, even becoming friends with the children's ministry pastor and the teaching pastor.
Little things, big things. He has returned to me all the things I grieved. Not identical to what they were, but perfect because they are His and not mine. And not because I earned them back, but because His love is lavished upon me through the power of His will.
I am learning to slowly trust this truth: There is nothing you can do to fall out of the will of God if you are pursuing Him with all your heart.
Yes, Jesus awakened this call in my heart to serve in pastoral care several years ago, and so THIS time I will trust Him with the outcome.
I do not credit those who have hurt me with paving this path, because they are the ones who almost squelched it and crushed me. That damage seems even now to be permanent. However, I credit them with being the passing messengers of God's greater calling on my life.
I have learned a few things along the way. Choice mistakes into which I have dug deep, found the roots, and begun to pull them up and out.
I will not push through with striving, but I will wait for
His perfect timing.
This is a birthday of second chances.
~*~
It was the early hours of Sunday morning, Father's Day, when I woke before
the rest of my family in order to arrive early at the church campus to set up
the Children’s Ministry area.
There would be old cars and family pictures to celebrate the Dads in our community.
I prepared to go into my day with a heart open to receive from my good Father of grace. I would receive imperfectly, but I would apply my stubborn and persistent faith to the best that I was able. For grace is not opposed to effort but to earning.
The routine actions of each morning are the same, so I can
move through my sleepy morning fog with machine-like precision. And after I am
ready, each morning I eat two boiled eggs followed by one banana and one scoop
of soy yogurt with cinnamon and a drizzle of honey. And one tall glass of water.
I always take my bible and my journal with me to the
breakfast table, even if I only have a few minutes to spare. This is one way to
keep myself emotionally healthy even when I do NOT want to practice soul care.
And this morning, I felt something nagging me from within-
an unwanted emotion.
Grief? Depression?
Hurt.
Not again. Oh, old pain, I don’t have time for you today.
Not now.
But I have learned to acknowledge these feelings, because
they come from deep wounds which need attention. To ignore the truth is to
force it to leak out in unwanted places that produce bitter and broken fruit.
So instead of avoiding the feeling stirring inside, I stared
right at it and wrote only that which was really honest:
Dear Jesus- Today I acknowledge the hurt feelings that rise up inside against my will. I check in with my soul to see what continues to need care and healing. What are the parts of me that don’t have a voice, the places that are shut tight inside? This is where I need Your grace to infiltrate and flood in. Dear soul, why are you downcast? I spent this time remembering all my hurts. Jesus, I ask You to sit with me here and show me how to heal. I give myself permission to feel wounded, and I give You permission to enter the pain and extend grace and empathy to myself, through myself, because I need to be seen today. Amen.
And I wallowed in my sorrow for a bit, because you cannot
put a time limit on the healing process.
But God lifted me up when it was time to release the grief
back to Him, and I credit myself with responding willingly, even though I
wanted to nurse the sad for a while longer.
He said, “It's Father's Day and I am your Good Father. Tomorrow is your birthday and I am the one who created you. My child, I want to bless you here. Make room for
something new.”
So I finished my breakfast, pushed back the plate and read
Numbers 22 before I left to serve my church in the wee hours of the day.
No time now for context, but here is what spoke to me as I read while I sipped my water-
Numbers
22:18-19 (NLT)
18 But Balaam responded to
Balak’s messengers, “Even if Balak were to give me his palace filled with
silver and gold, I would be powerless to
do anything against the will of the Lord my
God. 19 But stay
here one more night, and I will see if the Lord has
anything else to say to me.”
I am powerless to
do anything against the will of the Lord my God?
Well, to feel powerless is to feel vulnerable and unsafe- any
human would avoid a situation where he or she feels powerless.
To be powerless is to be a victim, exposed to the will of
another.
And I have learned the hard way throughout the course of 35
years that being powerless before another fallen human being is dangerous and
often produces pain.
But my Father is not fallen or broken. Dangerous? Yes.
But also, He is very good.
His will is perfect. Can we submit our power to the perfect will of a loving Father?
What if I am a victim of grace?
And so I decided to wait and see if the Lord had anything
else to say to me.
The house was quiet and I was running late. Nothing.
I put away the Scripture and my journal and moved into
the cold morning with tired hope. I pushed chairs, pulled boxes, unloaded
crates and set up the classroom.
Does the Lord have anything else to say to me?
I am working up a sweat, setting up the classrooms before the children arrive.
Enter my campus pastor, who strikes up a conversation which
leads to discussion about my recent acceptance into Talbot Seminary.
“What is your major?”
“Well, I want a Master of Divinity, which will take me a
long time to achieve. But the emphasis I will be working on throughout the years
to come is in Pastoral Care and Counseling."
“Really? Wow, well just this week we are starting to put together a Pastoral
Care Team for our campus. Let me connect you with the leaders, they would love
to meet you!”
And I find myself shaking hands with a couple that wants to
meet for dinner in the weeks to come, so we can discuss my experience, my
story, and my desire to serve the church through Pastoral Care.
They want to consider me for their pastoral care team.
I am being seen.
~*~
Friends, only if you have followed my story will you
understand the meaning this has. Since I decided to pursue seminary graduate work, new doors have opened which I could never have anticipated.
This is grace, of which I am a victim.
Several weeks ago I was invited to join a cohort which will teach me the
discipline of counselling women into freedom.
Now I find myself suddenly invited to meet a couple who is interested in
adding me to a newly forming pastoral care team.
Does this chapter sound familiar??
The timing of the gift is not lost on me today, my birthday.
When I am headed towards Jesus, no matter how far away I presently am from the prize, I am powerless to do anything against the will of my Father,
because even my greatest mistakes and biggest regrets have not prevented these
blessings from coming.
And so as I come to the breakfast table this morning to read
the Word and write about my feelings, here is my journal entry on the 35th
year of my story:
Father- you have given me the gift of second chances. I have been adopted into Your famly and I have inherited Your eternal riches. I see that You are moving in to bless me, and so I position myself to receive. Jesus, I do not deserve Your grace but I am daily given a reason to keep moving towards it. Search my heart and soul, and let Your Spirit reveal whether I am striving to earn Your love OR making efforts to draw near to it. I look back at my first 35 years and I see many seeds planted- some among the choking weeds, shallow soil or painful exposure to harm; but others in good, rich soil which will daily grow into a harvest of good fruit in the 35 years yet to come. Thank you, God, for all that You have done to reach me. I am Yours and I will follow You. Your will be done. Amen.
I am going to Seminary. I am training to be a life coach.
And now I will begin the pursuit of a position in Pastoral Care for my church family.
Seriously, unreal. Just how God has given me back every thing that was lost. Not in the way I wanted, and not without massive amounts of painful refinement which continue on to this very day. But all of it with a persuasive abundance of beloved grace.
I have never been more uncertain of the future and yet
certain that God is doing something new.
Can train-wrecks be redeemed? Well, mine is in the process.
One year ago I was wallowing in grief to such a degree that I believed I would
not see the light of another day.
Today I belong to a new church family, I embrace a lost-and-found dream, and I still battle with anxiety but in the midst of ever-increasing grace.
Here I sit, in the early morning hours of my 35th year, choosing to remain powerless before
the perfect will of my good and powerful Father.
I will bask in the gift of a second chance. I will learn to
trust. I will allow myself to feel joy and I will surrender more pieces of my
grief.
I have never been more uncertain of the purpose of my future and yet absolutely certain that God is doing something new and something very specific.
Shame has no place here.
Fear, I see you, but you cannot stay for long.
Depression, I know you are near, but my soul is in the care of Someone else.
I am a victim of Grace, and so I
will surrender here and see what else He wants to say to me on this day, my birthday.
The path less traveled is certainly full of blessings, even among the rocky places of pain. If He can use my wounds for freedom, He can certainly use yours as well. Our setbacks really CAN become our superpowers.
Do not be afraid to become powerless before your Creator- His will is dangerous, but it is very good.
I will write this next year of my story as a victim of Grace.
Happy birthday to me :)
Rebecca
~*~
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