“Don’t you know that I am loving and
faithful?” I literally see these words written down rather than hear them
audibly, because God knows that I feel safest communicating through writing. This is my prayer project for week 2 of seminary. With
eyes closed and heart as open as I know how, this written sentence is all I get
from an hour of prayerful meditation in silence. The work of the Holy Spirit
within me seems to be so simple and so slow that very little words of
explanation are needed- which is frustrating. As I lay quietly, listening
intently, I am keenly aware that my job is not actually to listen, but to
cooperate with the revelation He is working out. Do I know that He is loving
and faithful? Yes. But am I open to this truth, or do I turn my back to it late
at night when I lay my head down at the end of the day? With this question I
wrestle in silence with my breath as the only sound I hear. Do I turn from Him?
Yes. Like a wife with no interest in the longing of her husband, I have often
turned over and shown only my back to God when He has made advances towards me
in the dark nights of my soul. Sometimes simply turning 180 degrees away from
intimacy with the Holy Spirit has a more powerful and damaging effect than
running miles away from it.
I meditate on Galatians
5:13-25, and I wonder about the places of autonomy within my soul that turn
away from the faithful love of God even when He longs for me, the parts of my
mind that wander from Him towards sin even in focused meditation. Paul was able
to observe the reality of sin in a way that strikes a chord with me now, in
this wrestling time of prayer-
16 So I say,
let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful
nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just
the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are
the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly
fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 8 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
To those stubborn places which
represent the residue of my former self, I ask the question which I saw written
by God’s hand to me: “Oh my soul, don’t you know that He is loving and
faithful?” Yes, those autonomous pieces do know this, all to well, and so they
resist and meddle and put up a good fight. Even as I meditate, my mind wanders
away from Him to residual hurts and remaining pieces of shame, a sure mark of
my broken humanity. I wonder as I read Paul’s words of wisdom, what is that
space between my will and my character, that place where I consistently fall
short of my own determinations? How is it that I can decide not to sin anymore,
and yet am unable to stop sinning? It seems to me that is a critical space that
fosters either grace or shame, depending on Who you follow...
19 When you
follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual
immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry,
sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition,
dissension, division, 21 envy,
drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as
I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the
Kingdom of God.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces
this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness,
and self-control. There is no law against these things!
Today as I
meditated it became painfully obvious- old habits of my broken humanity remain
deeply rooted in my transformed heart. Things I would like to think are gone
have simply gone underground for a while. In this way I find both love and
hate, joy and despair, shame and peace, acceptance and regret, all the fruits
of the spirit entangled with the powerful and potent residue of my old sinful
nature. And in the midst of the entanglement, God spoke simple words of grace, “Don’t you know that I am loving and faithful?”
Yes, Jesus. No, Jesus. My knowing is here but not yet, in part but not in full.
And because I am an over-achiever, I want to throw all my sins out on the table
before Him and say enthusiastically, “look, Father, let’s work on all of it at once!” And my Father smiles
and gently puts them all back away except for one. Just one simple and
well-worn sin which He places out in the sunlight, where it can be fully seen.
And He smiles upon me, a kind and loving smile full of faithful grace.
“Daughter,” He says, “just this one today. I only want to work on
this one. This one goes deep.” And in this time of prayer I first feel
ashamed for thinking on sins when I am supposed to be thinking only of Him. “My child, you can only know I love you just
as you are if you allow me to love you just as you are. It cannot be any other
way or you will not understand the depth of my love for you.” Then joy
slowly starts to spread through my entire being as I realize that He is
directing my thoughts so that I can know the places inside which still need His
healing power. The places He wants to love but needs my permission to do so. I can only know He loves me in my
brokenness if I allow Him to love me in my brokenness- He will not fully heal
until He has allowed this lesson to run deeper than the roots of my age-old
sins. In this way, my places of shame become live-giving channels of His grace.
So then, what if I
simply engage with Him in the observation of my sin during this time of prayer?
To look at my sin with Him, not in judgement or criticism, without shame, guilt
or regret, apart from disgust or repulsion, but simply as a doctor might study
the results of an x-ray or scan. Gathering information, collaborating about it,
observing the sin as though it were not actually me but rather a foreign
contaminant or unwanted invader that resides within me but is not a part of my
identity. How can God treat my sin if He does not first discuss it with me as a
doctor might discuss a diagnosis with a patient? The doctor would not shame the
patient or tell her she is disgusting or command her to leave because of her
disease- rather, the professional would discuss the matter simply and make
plans to begin the defeat or removal of the problem. There should be no shame in
the treatment of sin when one is in the presence of the Healer- and what better
time than now, here in mediation, to diagnose a malignant sin problem that has
been developing for 35 years? This has been the first time I have stepped
outside of my sinful nature and observed it from the outside so that it does
not define me at all. What if the observation of sin was an act free from shame
and an opening to grace?
“Don’t you know that I am loving and
faithful?” He wrote to me. And I wrote back, “Yes, Jesus, forgive me for
turning away.”
And so my only
task in my time of prayer is to abide in the simplicity of His loving faithfulness
as He completes a good work within me one single observation at a time, one
step forward and sometimes two steps back, but always under the influence of
grace. For one thing I am beginning to understand- the true children of God
consume massive amounts of grace at every meal, which is three times a day and
sometimes more if you are growing. Yes, though His words to me today were
simple, they were all I needed to remember that re-walking the path of old sin
is a slow and simple journey, and my only job is to be faithful to His process
as He is faithful to me. My only need is to love and be loved by Him along the
way. Old habits of broken humanity may be wedged deep in my soul from 35 years
of wrong formation, and these pieces opposed my very core and hinder me from a
more fruitful time of meditation with Him, but He has reminded me today that
you can teach an old Christian new
intimacy through the faithful power of His loving Spirit.
24 Those who
belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful
nature to his cross and crucified them there.25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
Oh my soul, don’t you
know that your Father is loving and faithful? Be sanctified one single broken
piece at a time, and remember to be faithful to His loving process. The next
time He reaches out for you, you do not need to turn your back to His embrace,
for He wants all of you, even the broken places you try to hide. Do not be
discouraged, oh my soul, even when in the midst of intimacy with Him you turn
back to the residue of your old familiar brokenness, for you are loved just as
you are by a Father who is faithful to sanctify you! He wants you to know, my
heart, that He loves you just as you are right now, and while He is working to
transform you, He would not have you in this moment be any other way, because
here you can see that His love is eternally deep and wide and there is nothing
you can do to lessen it. So don’t turn away- even if you do, His faithful grace
will be just a foot away on the other side of the bed, watching your back with
the longing of a husband who wants to cherish His beloved. Oh my soul, observe your sin
with Him here, knowing He loves you today and will transform you tomorrow.
Amen.
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Amen.
Rebecca
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