This week I spent my dedicated hour
in prayer lying on my back very still, allowing the worry to rise up and away
as I searched for the treasures hidden away inside my heart. This is grace in
action- not moving a muscle, arms outstretched to both sides, feet straight
down, making the shape of the cross. I don’t say a word but I observe my
thoughts and occasionally sing a few lines from worship songs that I know by
heart. These are the first words that come to my mind:
Matthew 6:21(NLT): Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
So I lie very still and search for buried treasure.
When I think about 2 Corinthians
12, I consider how the thorn in my flesh is my desire to be seen, to be noticed by others. This is
a constant motivator of my actions, even when they are good. This is the first
treasure. In response to this desire to be seen, I then find my next treasure
marked out in John 15, where I realize that I am like a stubborn branch trying
so very hard to become a self-made vine. The identity I find in productivity is
a treasure that defines my view of God in many ways. I want to be productive, and I want others to notice
and praise the work of my hands. I want a respected name which I have made for
myself from my own hard work. Ultimately, the greatest treasure buried in my
heart is my longing to be understood
by men. I want the actions from my productivity to be understood by everyone
around me so that I can be affirmed. So when I read Matthew 11, I realize that
there is a vast difference between my yoke and His. My yoke looks like a bag
full of idols strapped to my back as I struggle up the tallest, steepest hill
so that I can come out on top of everyone else, surpassing all expectations including
my own. His yoke looks like rest, solitude, silence, abiding in His love with
no expectations other than to love and be loved.
This revelation upsets the
idol-cart of my treasures, and in an effort not to lose anything of great value
I scramble to collect all the pieces of my deepest desires by getting angry,
followed by a wave of anxiety. For the realization comes that all my striving
for control is in vain, and my great treasures will amount to nothing if I don’t
surrender them to Christ. I take a heart posture of vulnerable honesty and this
is what I say to God:
Father,
Today I have started grad school. This is the beginning of a new chapter. I am
afraid to fail and excited to succeed. I need Your provision each day- I need
emotional health, mental clarity and physical strength in order to fully
dedicate myself to the work ahead. But more importantly, I need to continue to
allow Your Spirit to work within me, especially within the bitter places of my
soul where I still harbor resentment against myself and others. I need You to
root out the cause of my broken intimacy and break apart the altars of my false
idols. The places inside that strive for human recognition and praise, those
are often the motivators of my productivity, and in this the fear, anxiety and
depression gains access to my soul. I have a great weakness for control and a
bent towards perfectionism. I have seen the signs of Your blessing even during
the times of desolation- keep sending more. I believe in Your provision-
forgive my unbelief. I need You every hour.
In
my deepest honesty, I realize that there is a struggle inside of me today. I
feel it as I lie here in silence with You. I know You already understand what I
am wrestling with right now. I don’t want to drop any of my classes because I
want to do them all. I want to be seen, I want to produce great things, and I
want everyone to understand what I am doing! But if I am listening to my body,
the anxiety inside my stomach says that taking three classes is too much. God!
I am angry- I don’t want to surrender! But truth be told, I can only keep one
syllabus inside my head right now. So I will drop two classes and just focus on
one this semester- I will give myself grace, which is very hard. But there is
still the cohort every Monday night at the Freedom Center, so I will still be
going to a class twice a week even after dropping two of my college classes. Jesus,
I come before You humbled. I need Your contentment and peace as I admit my
limitations before You and before others- help me to see the blessing of
knowing when to say no to my desires, my false idols of human motivators. Help
me receive Your grace with joy. I still consider myself to be brave and smart,
perhaps more so now that I can identify my limitations before they overwhelm me
and cause relational destruction. I have learned this from the past. I
surrender this lesson to You. Search with me through my storehouse of buried
treasures deep within my heart. Amen.
And so, I conclude my time of
prayer by lying still before God, allowing myself to be seen by Him without
being productive or understood by even myself. I will trust that as I abide
quietly in His love, He will restore what matters and remove that which oppresses
my soul. I continue to search for buried treasure in places of solitude and
silence- grace in action will lead me to still waters where I can count the
cost of idolatry and surrender my oppression to Him. Grace in action will go on
a treasure hunt throughout the vast landscape of my soul and bring back the
pieces of my heart which had been lost to human error. In a posture of receiving
I await His provision on bended knee, knowing my limitations and releasing my
expectations so that His work can be done in me….
My studies have only just begun- hold me in prayer, friends, as I attempt to tackle this one graduate course with my best and humblest efforts in a posture of surrender to Him.
With gratitude for all my readers,
Rebecca
~*~
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