Welcome Worry, Invite Jesus {A Margin Of Surrender}

This egg has been abandoned because of fear. It lies cold and dead, a memorial to all that could have been. It will never live to its potential because its mother fled away in fear from territorial attackers.

The enemy is always looking for ways to squelch our best intentions- this is why the Universe is always sending us countering messages of hope. But we must actively listen, because the opposition is loud and demanding while the gentle inner Voice will never squabble for our attention.

Who knew that hopes and dreams were such targets for oppression?

To run away from fear is to abandon your hopes and dreams to the clutches of a hard and broken world.

When you deny your emotions, it is like fleeing the nest egg of your hearts desires.

So now is the time to sit and be silent.

Listen. Take inventory of the emotion inside yourself.

What do you feel? What resides there in the hidden places of your soul?

Yes, there it is inside, deep down beneath the busy of the day- worry.

I see you, fear. I see you anxiety. Sit with me.

Perhaps this worry is an unwelcome guest, or maybe it is an old roommate. No matter- welcome it anyways.

It brings a whole host of cohorts- anxiety, fear, bitterness, anger, doubt.

Welcome worry?

Yes. Welcome it.

Allow worry to enter in and sit beside you. Say,

“Welcome, worry, please take a seat.

Thank you for being here, I acknowledge what you bring.

Although you cannot stay here for long, I invite you to dwell with me here.

Please, tell me what it is that you need.”

Always ask worry what it needs, because there is always a deeper longing that drove it to knock on your door.

I was once opposed to worry, and I denied it, stuffed it down and shut it out.

I said to myself, “No worry! Just stop worrying!”

But when I do this, worry finds other ways to get in- it sneaks in a window and surprises me from behind or haunts me from the shadows. It ruins my life if I don’t make space for it.

Worry takes many forms, which is why our very own Pastor Swamidass spoke about it from the pulpit-

How To Free Myself From The Weight Of Worry- Living On A Margin – Part 6.

This week I was worried about what would happen next on my journey to becoming a counselor. I was searching for validation from my Father as to what my next step should be.

I wanted to start in the Fall semester but I was worried about a confliction with an already-committed family trip. It would cause me to miss class for a full week of vacation, which is rather unacceptable when you are working with a committed attitude towards your M.Div. I debated pushing my start date out another 9 months, which seemed so very far away considering the fire burning in my heart.

And I worried.

“God,” I prayed, “I come before you with a new desire in my heart- I believe You put it there in Your loving kindness towards me. I want to go back to school for my Masters degree. I will not be afraid to trust You- I sense that this dream is not only in line with Your plan, it is what You have wanted for me for a long time.  You simply had to wait  for me to arrive at it in my own way, in my own time. Please, Father, can I have Your provision for this dream?”

Welcome, worry. 

Welcome, Jesus.

Sit with me here. Let’s all meet together.

I have made margin for both of you at the table of my soul.

“Father, I usually don’t ask for big picture items, but You put this desire within me for a reason. I thank You for bringing attention to the dream in my heart, to become a counselor and life-coach so that I can talk others through hard seasons and the worries of their own lives. Someday I want to have a little office somewhere, maybe in a church or a freedom center, where I can make this vocation a reality. God, I humbly ask for Your provision and support to move ahead into this dream for my life.”

Now Jesus is leaning over the table, meeting with my worry and communing with it. It won’t be long before my worry can let go of me, so that I can surrender it up to Him.

“I have never had a great aspiration that was all just for myself, so this feels foreign. I don’t know how to ask You this, Jesus, but here goes: Please send me affirmation with every step I take, so that I have the internal conviction that I am not alone and that You are working beside me. I need You at the center of this vision for my future. I want to do this work in Your name, for Your glory and for my joy. Amen.”

The Admissions Counselor smiles kindly and nods when I ask about my week vacation- she turns to look at her computer screen, clicks and scrolls while I wait, and then turns to me with these words which I will never forget-

“Well, it looks like the date of your upcoming vacation will coincide with the week when the entire school shuts down for a conference. There should not be a problem with those dates at all.”

Jesus.

Truly, I must be His favorite, because He shut down the entire campus just so I could take my vacation and also start school in the Fall. This is affirmation, not coincidence. Thank you, Jesus.

Worry has fled the room, and I breathe deep. It is just Jesus sitting beside me now, the sound of grace bouncing off the empty furniture. I will remember this moment in the days to come, when I doubt my motives and question my ambitions. I will remember how He affirms me.

Welcome worry so that you can give it what it needs and then release it away from yourself.

And when I get home I remember what our Pastor Swamidass said from the screen on Sunday- 

“Walk in the peace He provides. The difference between terror and excitement is trusting who is in control.”

If I am not careful, the excitement of my journey can become terror- only when I welcome Jesus into my worry can I reset my intentions.

Only when I make margin for the worry to be acknowledged, welcomed, and fully felt can it  then be fully released to Jesus because I remember that the outcome of each fear can be freely surrendered to Him.

If you long for the three fundamental needs of human existence, love, safety, and control, then you must first meet with yourself on the level of your emotions.

Take stock of your emotions, meet with them, greet them with respect and hear their needs without judgement. Then invite Jesus into each piece of insecurity and watch how He begins a healing work in those hurting places.

When I worry, I have begun to welcome the worry as a friend in need of guidance. “Welcome, worry, you are invited to be here for a little while. Tell me what you need.”

When worry is triggered in a relationship, I say “Welcome, Jesus. You are here with me.”

When worry is activated inside my body as anxiety, I say “Welcome, Jesus, welcome inside this part of me that feels fear.”

When worry rises up with hurtful memories, I say “Welcome, Jesus, I invite you into my past because only You know how to heal it.”

This welcoming prayer is a tool that I use to heal my emotional wounds and insecurities- I need it daily, especially since beginning this unexpected journey towards something new.

Our emotions like to present themselves as complicated, but usually they are not so. Often, at the center of an emotional reaction is a wound, plain and simple, and inviting the professional Counselor of our souls is exactly what we need to begin the healing process.

Friends, allow me this one last thing before I conclude-

Before my intention to attend school and return to studies, my husband had the inclination to build me an office space. It was supposed to be for my creative writing, which I do on the side. He ordered the furniture and drew up the plans.

Turns out he was creating a space for my studies before either of us realized.

But there was certainly Someone who knew exactly what would be needed, and He was one step ahead of me lighting the way.

Reader, I invite you to say this when you feel your own worry rising-

The Welcoming Prayer (by Father Thomas Keating)
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me today
because I know it's for my healing.
I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons,
situations, and conditions.
I let go of my desire for power and control.
I let go of my desire for affection, esteem,
approval and pleasure.
I let go of my desire for survival and security.
I let go of my desire to change any situation,
condition, person or myself.
I open to the love and presence of God and
God's action within. Amen.

Friends, combat your worry with contemplative prayer- invite Jesus into the dark places, the hurting places, the doubt and the fear. Let Him abide with you in anxiety and begin His healing work in your soul.

The tiny egg of our desires will be abandoned because of fear if we do not actively fight for a place in the margin where we can sit and nurse our frightened inner child.

Who knew that hopes and dreams were such targets for emotional violence?

To run away from fear is to abandon your hopes and dreams to the clutches of a hard and broken world.

So when worry comes in to attack your territory, do not flee- welcome it in and open up a conversation with it. Find out what it needs.

Contemplate your fears without criticizing them- invite Jesus to abide in them with you, find out what you need, and trust Him to meet that need.

He may just build you a desk or cancel a week of school just to affirm His love for you.

And if not that, at the very least He will bring the peace that passes understanding, because He cares about what happens to you.

Trust your emotions to the One who made them and gave them to you.

Trust your desires to the One who put them in your heart.

Welcome your worry, invite your Savior, and abide in the margin of surrender and healing.

Sit there with your dreams, keep them warm, and do not abandon the nest which holds the desires of your heart.

Beneath those worries you will find a treasure. Don't be afraid to dig deep to find it. Don't be afraid to sit with yourself in the pit even when it's scary.

Extend empathy and compassion to yourself because this keeps your spirit warm.

Remain diligent, my friends. Sit in the margin even when worry comes, and never abandon the God-given needs of your soul.

With Love,

Rebecca

~*~

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Designed To Desire {A Margin Of Contentment}

Today I taught my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus, and I also had the opportunity to preach this lesson to myself:

I am designed to desire contentment, 

and it can be found in the margin of Grace.

But this is hard.

My favorite author Dallas Willard puts the struggle this way: “Almost all of us are acutely aware of how the incessant clamorings of our bodies defeat our intentions to ‘be spiritual’”.

But what does it mean to be truly content?

Today this human question makes sense to me in a new way, and I have a bit more hope about the answer than I did the day before.

And so I am here cooking dinner and contemplating this with a heart full of gratitude on a Sunday evening.

Contentment is as much a spiritual posture as it is a physical discipline. It means coming before God as an empty vessel and receiving His declaration that we are beautifully made and eternally loved even if we remain empty forever- and THEN allowing Him to fill us up with whatever He deems best.

Contentment requires deep trust, both in ourselves as we remain vulnerable and open, and in our God as He determines what to pour into our lives as He meets our needs.

We were all born brimming with desire- we are creatures of deep need and longing, filled with a gaping emptiness that we ourselves cannot fill. From birth we are screaming for fulfillment and are helpless to achieve it on our own- no, we must look to our Provider as he meets our needs through His created things.

We desire to desire.

And then we want our desires to be met quickly. And then we desire to desire again.

It is a vicious cycle.

BUT we WERE designed to desire- except in a whole and healthy Kingdom, not in this broken wounded one full of scarcity and fear.

So we must lean into the vulnerability of desire and abide in the full awareness of the deep hunger in our souls.

This week we gathered as a church family to hear about “Learning To Be Content”, part four of the Living on a Margin series.

Though this week’s topic might seems to be surface level, in actuality it plumbs down into the depths of our beings and can reveal some critical components about who we are and where we are going, both as individuals and as a human race.

To learn to be content is to begin the practice of soul care.

Because our souls are crying out for permission to abide with God in this, the present moment, without rushing on in haste for satisfaction of something more, which in actuality is something less.

To be discontent is to disparage the value of who you have already become.

As Pastor Dave Page said on Sunday, “Contentment is margin for your soul.” Indeed, it is the place where we sit with our needs without pushing them away or strangling them close- resting in the desire without squelching it.

Each week I have the joy of teaching elementary students about Jesus- this week we covered the topic of Jesus being tempted by Satan in the wilderness. I would like to correlate what Pastor Page said about contentment with what I taught my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus. I think it pieces together nicely, and I thank the Spirit for the correlating of these different ideas.

Pastor Dave gave three truths about contentment which line up quite nicely with the three tests that Christ experienced in my Sunday school lesson from Matthew 4:1-13.

~*~

IDEA ONE:

One of the points on our Sunday morning outline was the idea that “Contentment isn’t found in what happens to me”.

Perhaps I can rephrase this to fit my own flawed thinking, the seed of so many of my mistakes-

LIE #1: I AM WHAT I DO.

This misconception will lead to a great deal of discontent in the lives of all of us, and it is a lie that most people, including myself, believe on a regular basis. To wage war against this tragedy we must wield our contentment with mindfulness and gratitude for each present moment.

We must fight against the lie that we are what we do, whether that action is good or bad.

As the adults were learning this in the auditorium, here is what I was learning with my Saddleback Kids-

4 Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River. He was led by the Spirit in the wilderness,^[a] 2 where he was tempted by the devil for forty days. Jesus ate nothing all that time and became very hungry.

³ Then the devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become a loaf of bread.”

⁴ But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone.’^[b]”

Can’t you hear the voice of the enemy here?

Make bread, Jesus, you need to do something or you will die! God cannot provide!

That voice tells us to be discontented with our circumstances, DO SOMETHING, take action to fix the problem, the contentment will be found within our abilities as an individual apart from God. You must react NOW.

This voice gets me in trouble.

I have reacted in foolish ways to what I thought I needed to do. I believed that I needed to perform for love.

This is why Jesus said NO, I am not “what I do”, because the human body needs to rely on God in order to nourish the soul.

No, I am not what I do, because my identity and worth as a child of God is not founded on my actions (thank God!) but upon His.

No, I am not what I do, and if I believe that, I will always be discontented, because I will always fall short.

If I am what I do, then I am a sinner, a failure, a reject, a prodigal, homeless, churchless, an orphan.

But this is not true of me, because-

Contentment is found

in what He lovingly does

to nourish my faith

in the margins of each day.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

IDEA TWO:

 We also heard this statement from the pulpit on Sunday- “Contentment isn’t found in what I have.”

Put another way-

Lie #2: I AM WHAT I HAVE.

And my Saddleback kids and I learned the next part of the story from Luke-

⁵ Then the devil took him up and revealed to him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. ⁶ “I will give you the glory of these kingdoms and authority over them,” the devil said, “because they are mine to give to anyone I please. ⁷ I will give it all to you if you will worship me.”

⁸ Jesus replied, “The Scriptures say,

‘You must worship the Lord your God
    and serve only him.’^[c]”

Do you recognize the voice of the enemy on this one?

You are what you have. Collect as much as you can, keep a list, make a chart, compare yourself. 

Keep track, hold on to your hurts because they define you, possess and own every offense done to you because it empowers you. If you identify yourself with what you have then you will be abundant with wealth, riches, power, safety.

This is a scarcity mindset- keep everything for yourself, because there is not enough to go around.

No, friends, this is not the Kingdom economy. I have learned the hard way (and continue to learn) that the Kingdom currency has turned the competition of the world upside down.

There is no scarcity in Jesus, only abundance.

If I am what I have, then I am in great trouble because I have regret, grief, shame, fear, anxiety, hurts, grievances, grudges, and offense, just to name a few. I could never be content with this lot. When I identity myself with the feelings and thoughts that I have, I identify myself with internal chaos and rampant discontentment.

Alternately, when I judge the value of my person based on my material possessions, then the value of my life is time-stamped and perishable at best, old and useless at its worst, and is always based on an endless desire for more, more, more.

Scarcity is the death of contentment.

I am surely glad to know that I am not what I have. Rather-

Contentment is found

in what He provides

to grow my trust in Him

in the margins of every hour.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

Finally, the greatest temptation of all is presented to us. Church, we must hear this one for all it’s worth, because to miss this is to fail to heed a major warning.

IDEA THREE:

This is the hardest lesson of all, the one we have all believed again and again. It’s the area of desire which is the most tempting, which is why Satan saved the best for last with Jesus.

It is the lie that we need the approval of others to be called a child of God.

It’s the lie that says we are only worthy of love and belonging if we are liked by everyone around us.

It’s the lie that says we might not be safe to belong in this world as we truly are.

LIE #3: I AM WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME.

Oh this one is powerful, dreadfully so. Which is why we were reminded by our teaching Pastor on Sunday- “Contentment isn’t found in comparing myself with others.”

We are all bent towards a desire for validation from other humans- it is perhaps one of our greatest weaknesses. We want to be well liked, well respected, spoken highly of. When we are not, what are we?

We desire prestige, respect, admiration. We are not content if we don’t have it.

We want to know that when we jump, we will be caught and raised up, lifted high by the praises of our peers, friends, church and family.

We want to know that we are safe to belong, and that if we fall our community will be there to catch us.

But I know this is not always the case, and from Jesus’ example we can all see how it is dangerous to make a blind leap onto the opinions of others-

⁹ Then the devil took him to Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! ¹⁰ For the Scriptures say,

‘He will order his angels to protect and guard you.
¹¹ And they will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’^[d]”

¹² Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God.’^[e]”

Instead of looking to people for validation, we are called by God to look to Him and Him alone. All else is secondary.

But we desire human praises, which is why we become co-dependent, anxious and fearful of rejection.

It hurts to be let down, and it hurts to let down others. I have experienced both, very deeply. Which is why I can appreciate this final temptation of Jesus on a personal level.

Jump and test if they will catch you.

What happens when they don’t?

You are wounded deeply and you will never be the same.

So we must get up, regroup, attend therapy and hear what God is teaching us-

Contentment is found

in what He says about me

in the margins of each moment.

Thank you Jesus.

~*~

Yes, teaching my Saddleback Kids about the temptation of Jesus was really about preaching a lesson to myself, a lesson which was reinforced by the Sunday sermon later that morning.

And it is a good lesson to be reminded of, because discontent is a human problem and a human being who lives a contented life is a rare thing indeed.

The enemy wants for nothing more than to keep us restless, unhappy, unsatisfied and looking in the wrong places for answers. This has been the war tactic for ages.

¹³ When the devil had finished tempting Jesus, he left him until the next opportunity came.

Because rest assured, my friends, the feelings of discontent will come. We will desire things we think we need, things which we mistakenly assume shape our identity: to HAVE, to DO, to BE in ways that do not involve the Kingdom economy of our God.

But God is in the business of refining our desires to make them look like His- holy and good and blessed, nourishing and full of freedom to claim our true identity as a child of the King.

Remember, His Kingdom is upside-down community, and the only thing you have for sure is Him, the only thing you do is receive His love, and the only thing spoken over you is beloved.

If you recognize any of my ideas here from the vastly underrated, late, great Henri Nouwen, that’s because he has been my inspiration for much of my thought process these past few months. In his beautiful sermon called “The Life Of The Beloved”, Nouwen teaches lessons about contentment through the same scripture I shared with you here.

Can we be content with the love of our Creator? If all we have is Jesus, is that enough? Even if we are alone in our contentment sometimes?

If He said you are worth dying and rising for, what does that mean for your identity?

We don’t need to HAVE, to DO, or to BE anything before the throne of God in order to belong and to be loved. We simply need to be content with His forgiveness and His grace.

Contentment is a process and a journey, and so I have a very long road ahead of me. But if we keep our eyes set firmly on Him and submerge ourselves in His Word, then we will come out victorious because God is in the business of redeeming our desires so that He can fulfill them with His love.

May you go into your day with an awareness that God is working in the margins to take action for you, to provide for you, and to speak words of adoration over you.

Meet Him in the margin and surrender your desires to Him while they still feel unmet, because He welcomes us just as we are, here and now.

Contentment is a spiritual posture- it means coming before God as an empty vessel and receiving His declaration that we are beautifully made and eternally loved even if we remain empty forever- and THEN allowing Him to fill us up with whatever He deems best.

Contentment requires deep trust, both in ourselves as we remain vulnerable and open, and in our God as He determines what is best to pour into our lives as He meets our needs.

What do you desire? Though your desires might seem to be surface level, in actuality they plumb down into the depths of your being and can reveal some critical components about who you are and where you are going, both as an individual and within your greater community.

To learn to be content is to begin the practice of soul care. So it is here in the margin of your daily activity that you will find true contentment and lasting fulfillment, even in the midst of momentary or even prolonged dissatisfaction.

Be blessed, Saddleback family. May the incessant clamorings of our minds and bodies propel us to rest more deeply in His arms.

I love you, church, and I thank God for you.

I am so thankful that Jesus is using you to teach me these important lessons.

May we grow together in the margin of His Grace, because we are designed to desire contentment in Him, and the sooner we acknowledge this the closer we move towards victory.

With Gratitude~

Rebecca

~*~

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To read my story or

view my creative writing,

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A Journey Through The Margin {Permission To Speak}

Here in the margin the only plan is Christlikeness- numerous victories and countless failures are in store for those who journey here.

You can stand in the margin- but do you give yourself full permission to be there, both in body, mind and spirit? Planting your feet in the margin requires such permission, and without it you will discover nothing new and exist as a silent captive to your old and well-worn patterns of thinking.

You might fear the margin place because you do not trust it. You are not sure what it will give birth to. You have not learned that the margin is an abundant wellspring of healing and peace, beauty and creativity, rebirth and deep faith.

Creating room for margin is a great risk- unwanted emotion, memories, needs and desires may well up within you or sprout up beside you where you sit in solitude and silence.

Here in the margin place there can be discord. But is that the end of the journey?

If you know your Creator, you know there is more to come and it ends with freedom.

I know the margin place.

I thought it would breed nightmarish things, and so I was afraid. But I found that it produced a beauty and creativity that was all its own, and so I am grateful.

A great tall tree filled with wild, frantic, swinging monkeys looms great and tall above all else in this vast plain of learning here in the margin space where I find myself. It is an ambiguous place of unknowns.

Discord swings from branch to branch, jumping in strife for every need to be met, each impulse to be known, all desires to be quenched.

Discord does not have permission to speak, and so I must enter the margin and become a catalyst for Kingdom peace., bringing voice to the unspoken sufferings.

I abide here in the margin place, underneath this chaotic tyranny of wild and demanding unspoken needs which swing from branch to branch above my head.

But how did I arrive here, in this foreign space where so much work is left undone?

I started with permission.

I gave my mind permission to enter fully in a place of margin, the space in-between physical hurry and spiritual sleep.

Without permission it is possible to create margin but never fully abide within it.

As I awakened to the freedom of permitting mental margin, I found myself crawling up out of a cave…

~*~

It is a beautiful cave, but it is an ice cave- bright white, glistening, and utterly frozen. It is in a state of perpetual perfection because all things are held in place by the captivity of ice.

There is failure in perfectionism.

This is often why I fail to write.

This is why I cannot live here forever. It is my frozen Egypt.

Creating margin is parting the waters of perfectionism and journeying into the unknown.

This is why I must crawl out of this cave, out into the Son, because I cannot discover the next steps if I am trapped in the slippery cold confines of perfect silent stillness.

Not all things which glisten white and shining are an invitation to freedom.

So I crawl up, out of this gorgeous sparkling cavern full of white and pointed teeth, a gaping mouth of icy consumption. I arrive on a warm beach, with the smell of the sea and the sound of the waves arresting my frozen senses and awakening the flow of life within me.

As I stand there, shielding my eyes from the glare, grounding my feet in the warm sand, I sense an opportunity, an invitation, and a warning:

Here in the margin the only plan is Christlikeness- numerous victories and countless failures are in store for those who journey here.

The margin is not for the faint of heart- it is deeply vulnerable.

Scanning the horizon, I see only endless water in that direction- an eternity of vast open space and liquid blue. This seascape is teeming with life and vast beyond measure, and wave upon wave crash over the sand.

To my left is the gaping mouth of the ice cave. In front of me is the eternity of the ocean. To my right is an eternal expanse of open beach, with a cliffside jutting up and blocking the view of whatever is above.

I feel no curiosity just yet, only a faint sense of gratitude and an overwhelming sense of fatigue. I walk several steps away from the entrance to the cave, until the jagged frozen teeth and the icy breath do not haunt my thawing skin.

And then I sit down, quite simply, creating personal space upon the sand with my back to the cliff and my feet crossed under me, my face pointed towards the shore.

This is the next step in the journey through the margin- you must create opportunity for contemplation, holding space for connection with the Author of your journey as you wonder where to go next, because often you will find the path is unmarked and you are blazing a brand new trail.

As I rest on the sand, there is a trembling beside me and the earth itself gives birth to a massive tree which rises up beside me, so close that I can reach out and touch the rough trunk with my right hand.

This tree is massive, grand and expansive, towering up above the beach like a sentinel of glory.

It is a culmination of three types- sycamore, banyan and eucalyptus. Somehow I know this by simple observation.

The most startling thing is not the sudden appearance of the tree, but the tiny monkeys which are swinging in its branches.

They are silver and glittering- tiny monkeys with no voice, hundreds of them in the tree above me. Fluid and active but utterly silent. Completely at home but vocally suppressed.

Devoid of sound.

I blink up at them and they blink back at me, darting back and forth among the leaves.

They have no capacity to speak.

I gesture an invitation for them to come closer and several of them crawl into my lap like children.

Together we wait for the quiet of the evening to dwell together in restful sleep.

I sit beneath this sea of undulating discord here beneath a great and wide three-type tree. I am in surrender to an abiding obedience here in the place of margin.

I anticipate dusk, when all the wild monkeys will settle into sleep, here in the massive tree above my head.

I curl up with my silver monkey children and we are shrouded in the evening shade of the great tree as we watch the shades of red and gold playing out over the horizon.

A great grey wolf comes from behind the tree and sits down at my right, in the small space between myself and the trunk.

A large and swift owl flies down from the sky and lands on a low-lying branch above my left shoulder.

The monkeys point and swing.

Comforted with the owl’s wisdom that it is time to rest, and protected by the presence of the strong wolf, I close my eyes and feel the last of the sun’s rays sink into my skin as it drops below the horizon.

The only sound is that of the waves- all creatures are silent, myself included.

As I sleep, my mind becomes receptive to hope, faith, love, joy, peace and creative purpose- these are the tools I will require for the journey ahead. I had none of these within the beautiful ice cave- they are new and welcome here in this place. The Artist of my journey enables me to receive them here in the margin, here where I am poised to learn, adapt and grow.

 It is best to attain my gifts here and now, before I go on.

I wake with the sun, and the first thing I notice is that the ice cave is frozen completely over- salty waves lap against it as though it were solid and immovable rock.

The next thing I notice is that the tree is gone without a trace- and so are my silent animal friends.

I look about me, taking in the eternal sea and the endless stretch of beach. I see a pile of rocks which form a kind of ragged climbing staircase up to the clifftops above.

I would rather not make the climb, as I am discouraged by the effort it would require. But restless crustaceans come out of the sand to tickle around my bare feet.

Compelled by a hasty urgency, the past pushes until the future pulls- I make the climb. I discard the heavy winter coat which is no longer necessary and no longer serves me.

When I come to the top of the cliff after a difficult climb, I stand on the edge of a vast and massive plain.

A great forest of the same strange tree which I encountered below now stretches out before me- and the entire forest of these trees houses hundreds of the same tiny silver glittering monkeys- silent and swinging and watching and waiting.

The trees undulate with the movement of the noiseless creatures, each one with a story to tell, each one suppressed by a voice made obsolete.

I walk beneath these trees, and I am in awe of the vast number of them.

So many memories- the margin makes this discovery possible.

These silent voices of discord are greatest in the margin because all else is quiet.

Some cries are for purpose, meaning, and definition.

Others cry for love, affection, self-care, recognition.

Some of them just want to belong- security and protection are their basest need.

Some of these swinging beings demand sugar, sweets, breads, treats.

Some desire to sleep in peace, but they cannot be still because they have no voice to ask for permission.

They are all children of the past and present, and they are all part of my complete being- I do not wish them to leave because they are a part of me.

I find that my wolf and my owl guide have joined me once again, and I am comforted by Wisdom and protected by Strength.

The journey is mysterious indeed- the abstract nature of the margin place is full of curious mystery.

When I come upon the foot of a mountain, this is when I know the final trial begins…

~*~

I look up and up and up- I cannot see the top.

This is discouragement.

This is the place where your self-awareness has not met your capacity to succeed, and so it seems an impossible climb.

But here between the rocks and soil and hard-packed dirt are signs of a deep root system- at the top of this mountain must be a great tree, greater than all these others, which has dug its roots deep down into the depths of this mountain.

At first I am too weary to climb- I have journeyed a long way since I left the ice cave. From a cavern of frozen dreams to an eternal stretching sea, up a craggled cliff to the swinging forest of silent discord, and now an impossible height of root systems and hard granite.

But the wise owl and the strong wolf which have followed me this far slinks back into the forest and disappears, and then I hear the first sound since the crashing of the waves- the cry of an eagle.

It swoops down from the mountaintop, from the place above where I cannot see, and it gives a call to action which energizes my being as it glides away towards the sea.

I put my hand against the side of the mountain, find my footing and take the first step- up and up, climbing up with all my strength.

When my hands become tired I find a small ledge upon which to rest. There are some fissures in the mountainside which let out icy cool air- I realize a tunnel system must connect the internal places of this mountain to the icy cavern I left behind. I am thankful for the cooling ministrations of the past.

I feel too tired to continue the climb, and as I gaze out at the tops of the trees towards the sea beyond, I feel some of the roots moving to touch my hands where they rest upon the ground. They are energizing, giving life through their contact against my skin.

I wonder at the power of these tree roots, and find myself refreshed to continue the climb.

The hours feel like years and the days feel like an eternity, but finally, after reaching out countless times to receive life-giving strength from the roots, I reach the top.

Pulling myself up with a final gasp of victory, I catch my breath and then stand before that which awaits me here at the top.

There is nothing.

A dirt plateau with no green thing in sight.

Nothing.

I walk towards the middle, and I wonder why the margin is empty after all- it makes no sense. 

Standing there in the center of the mountaintop, I raise my eyes up to heaven and wonder out loud,

“Where does my help come from?”

And the cry of the eagle answers my call, as it comes towards me back from the sea, with three small fish in its beak. With a flurry of powerful feathers it comes to land at my feet and crys again, ear-splitting and awe-inspiring.

Swallowing its catch with three swift gulps, it eyes me closely, cocks its head and then opens its expansive wings of impressive girth. In a rhythm of music and drums the eagle beats its wings against the ground without lifting up, stirring up dust all around me, its feathers whisking rapidly against my feet.

And the same trembling which I felt beside me in the sand when I was back on the seashore, it begins again directly beneath me.

Swiftly as the eagle which now lifts off and flies upwards, the roots of the mountain are drawn up into my being through my bare feet. I raise my arms and they become branches tall and towering- this is the biggest tree on the entire island, dwarfing the forest in size and stature.

I have become grounded in the earth- but I am free in spirit.

Because just as the eagle climbs higher in the sky, so I feel myself rising up above my branches to the air above, and I am soaring in spirit with a freedom I never knew was possible.

And I see that in my branches are silent shining silver monkeys just like the thousands I have already passed. And as my spirit flies among them, they receive a voice for the very first time. And they yell out over the forest below, and the thousands of voices shout back in celebration.

I go back to visit the entrance to the ice cave and I find that it has melted open again- the insides drip with honest imperfection.

I return back to my trunk and then the wolf and the owl come to join me. They howl and hoot as they join the revelry of the Kingdom which has finally been healed within me.

All beings in this place are peaceful and happy, free at last.

Our voices sing praises to the King until dusk, when all is tranquil and at ease.

And tears come to my eyes as I thank the Author of my journey for leading me here.

Because the margin place is a call to freedom- it is here that you will give voices to the things inside which you never had time to address. It is here that you will do the deep inner work which requires introspection, forgiveness, curiosity and trust.

It is here that the Author of our journey can inspire an adventure that brings freedom and gives voice to our entire being.

It is with gratitude that I have journeyed here today- I hope to come again, many more times.

It is a sacred place, this margin space. God does His best work within us when we are still and open and give ourselves permission.

And I write this all down because I have learned that when I don’t practice creativity I become spiritually silent.

And so because of your encouragement, dear friends, I have been able to give myself permission to not only stand in the margin, but to be fully present in it, both mind, body and spirit, and to learn from the lessons the margin has to offer.

Here in the margin the only plan is Christlikeness- numerous victories and countless failures are in store for those who journey here.

I know the margin place. It is vulnerable and exposed, open to healing.

I thought it would breed nightmarish things, and so I was afraid. But I found that it produced a beauty and creativity that was all its own, and so I am grateful.

May all beings be peaceful and happy, and may the Author of our journey part the waters of our discord and lead us through to a place where we can become securely grounded in Him so that our spirits can fly free and heal our silent sufferings.

Amen and amen.

Rebecca

~*~

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