We have come back
from a week in the beauty of Big Sur, where we spent time in the pleasure of
His natural creation. The rugged beaches and lush mountain forests enveloped
our days of adventure. And then we hit the ground running as we jumped back
into real life, with enough make-up work and catch-up duties to fully compensate for our inopportune week of relaxation. This entrance back into the demands of a real world brought my mind and body back into a state of hurry and expectation. I have tried to read His Word today but my thoughts are scattered- I am not fully present this week.
I find my thoughts
demanding multiple things at once. I am mentally pulled in numerous directions, which means that my soul
exists in the general space of my physical body but does not reside there immediately
within it. My spirit is a transient vagabond that wanders aimlessly, passing
through my being now and then, hesitant to ask for a handout but in need of a
welcome place to rest. I try to meditate, but I cannot find clarity or focus…
When
you hear from God, what takes place in your soul?
I admit that I
feel nothing for Jesus right now. I do not desire His intimacy. I am disappointed
in how easily I fall out of connection with my God. I know that He is present,
but when I am overwhelmed by the wandering of my thoughts I have no desire to
be with Him. I should desire Jesus, and I want to desire Him. I am a creature
that is capable of deep desire, as are we all. But on days like this I feel
none. The only thing I desire right now is be free from this restless feeling I
have of obligation to pray, to connect, to receive from Him. Why do I not enjoy
spending time seeking to know the movement of the Holy Spirit here? Perhaps my
feelings of internal chaos are a sign of something deeper. I read through words
of scripture, but my heart does not respond…
What do
you experience emotionally when you hear the Word of God?
Honestly, I don’t
want my to-do list of spiritual activities- my Bible, my journal, my worship
music. I only want to be free from worry. I am distracted by internal and
external demands so that I cannot feel that familiar desire for my Beloved. The
worries come and squelch my desire for Him. My heart is not truly listening to
God today. My soul is restless and thirsty and avoiding His mercy. I am aware
of the distance between us, and realize that I am the one who makes it so. I
feel responsible for closing the gap but I am powerless to draw near to Him. It
is He who will draw near to me once I give Him permission…
Is my
faith an attempt to draw near to Jesus for help,
or do
I seek to fix myself?
This question
brings conviction. Yes, of course I
try to fix myself. Almost always! In the admission, pieces of an honest prayer
take shape in my wandering thoughts- I am
so very weak. Jesus, I am helpless to fix my broken desires. Meet me here,
Father, and resurrect the dead in Your name. I realize You are not the promise
of experiential delight or an easy life. But Your Word promises that Your
Spirit will overwhelm us with love.
When Jesus looks
at me He sees the internal chaos. When I remain silent He already knows what I
really want to say. And when I look inwards beneath the chaos on the surface I
find that I don’t want to come fully
into His presence because it causes me to become aware of my deep and chronic
sin habits. I would rather not take the time to foster intimacy with Him
because it requires an inventory of all
the ways I cannot fix myself. I don’t want to wake up to my attempts at
control which are in the way of my union with Him. When I begin to quiet my
mind and open my soul I find that I am tempted to do all the work of Christian growth that only He can do. I find that
envy, pride, arrogance and lust are deeply seeded in my soul despite my best
attempts to overcome them. Yes, I am weary from a full week after a long
vacation which threw me into the midst of a busy schedule. But something more is going on inside me,
and I can see with very little searching that my heart is full of sin and I am
postured in firm rebellion against the Healer of broken souls.
Am I
tempted to do the work in the Christian life that only God can do?
I am not tempted-
rather, I am set to default in this mindset. So many things which I have
succeeded at have been in my own strength with the guise of virtue and the
hidden motives of vice. The Spirit has blessed me in this mental chaos with a
revelation of my constant posture of self-indulgence and weakness of human
autonomy. I feel weary of hiding this truth but also lack the desire to come
out of hiding to be seen and known by His Spirit. There is a part of me that
desires to keep on sinning apart from Him- the chaotic part of me. I am
powerless to overcome the dominance of my human flesh. I need the overwhelming
power of His Spirit- only God and God alone can redeem this wayward soul. Only
He can calm the tumultuous thoughts and bring rest even in a busy schedule.
A piece of
scripture makes its way into my spirit-
1
Kings 9:3 (NLT)
3 The Lord said
to Solomon, “I have heard your prayer and your petition. I have set this Temple
apart to be holy—this place you have built where my name will be honored
forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart.”
Yes, in my heart
is a selfish envy alongside a deep adoration for my King. I do not want to
foster intimacy with God but I also want to experience His presence and power.
Oh, my soul, why are you in such a deep rebellion against your Creator? Why do
you hold onto lust, anger, envy, greed and self-righteousness when the Father
is offering you love, peace and grace? I am aware of my deep desire for meaning
and connection- I am also awake to the way my heart rebels against the very
gifts which He leaves ever before me.
When I hear from
God, sometimes rebellion takes place within my soul. That has been my experience this week. And so in Jesus name I
pray, that His work may perfect me like the waves upon the shore and the fire
among the trees, bringing new desire for Him that will last for all eternity to come. He has set us apart to be holy, and so we are becoming, even in our wandering. He does watch over us, His scattered temples, because we are dear to His heart.
Amen.
Rebecca
~*~
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