Shame and Abel- Genesis 4

When you are underestimated you have more freedom to be yourself because nobody is looking.

I said something this week that revealed where I am on the journey to self-awareness and healing:

“My sacrifice is perfect, God, so what the heck is wrong with Your altar?” –me. Yesterday.

Because I was reading the story of Cain and Abel, and I immediately identified with the ashamed murdering brother. The one who works his rear off to put together an epic offering to present on the altar- the kind of offering that was built by himself, with his own two hands. 

He was immensely proud of presenting to his Creator something that he made by himself, with bare hands and brazen pride and deaf ears.

I was going to publish the next chapter to Pearls and Presence, because that was the plan, and it was a good one. But now I am going to write about Cain and Abel for this blog, because it’s on my heart.

Here is why: I want to write about shame. Because shame is cultivated in silence.

So readers, we need to talk.

For the New Year I have started re-reading the Bible from beginning to end for the third time in my life. I do this because after I am old and grey I will give my children my entire library of books and journals, and I want them to see that their mother underlined and marked up every single page of every single bible she ever owned. This will be a testament to them that even though I had a lot of setbacks on the journey, I was always seeking God. I was always trying to know Him more. I was always searching for more of Jesus, every day. In both good times and in bad I needed more of Him and I always knew it.

I always want more Jesus, even when I present my hard work to the altar and it gets turned down. Especially then, when I realize there is a hard line I have drawn between me and God that looks a lot like my own prideful agenda. 

I had expectations for Your response, God, and You didn't meet them!

So I write all over my bibles because I want visible, physical proof of this for my kids. I want them to know how much I lean on God’s love as I walk through this life, through mistakes and victories alike. Sometimes my parenting isn’t great, sometimes my choices aren’t admirable, sometimes I get lost or relapse into old hurts, sometimes my bitterness threatens to turn into full-fledged hatred, but my heart always returns to God and His Word. For every page that God penned His words through men, there is a page where I underlined, highlighted, and asked for Guidance.

A place where I returned to the altar with open hands, instead of closed ones grasping tightly to the things I think I own but which really own me.

When I am old I will give my children these scribbled up bibles and they will see markers of what I learned during my personal journey. That way as they are walking through their own stories as adults, they can learn from my mistakes and follow my lead- to never give up on God’s promises. To approach the altar and try again. And again.

To come to the altar with questions instead of answers, or even to show up silent with open hands.

My library and my writing will be the most important physical treasures I leave behind me. These were the first things I grabbed when a fire threatened to burn down my house last year. Second only to my purse, they were the next physical item in the house I grabbed on the way out the door. That’s how I came to realize their value.

The first time I read through all of scripture it took me about 5 years. The second time it took me one year. I’m not going for any records in speed, but now I am going for some improvement in content retention. So this time around, I’m stopping early on to contemplate and reflect. Which brought me to Genesis chapter 4, the story of Cain and Abel. The story of two brothers who bring sacrifices to the altar of God of vastly different origin.

The story of how shame led to death, because it always does if we don’t heed the warnings in our body, mind and soul.

If I am going to be as raw and honest here as I have been so far, then this is what I would say- I have started out the New Year arguing with God about my new ministry of service.

“God”, I would say, “why aren’t You using my giftings, why doesn’t anybody notice the quality of my service, what is the point of wasting the things that YOU gave me in the first place?”

Do you know how many times I have felt like an idiot in the past 6 months? Read my story. Know how many times I have called myself one since starting this journey to healing? Too many to admit. And I feel like an idiot when I realize that I argued with God- again.

"My gifts are perfect, God, why are you letting them go to waste? Did I show up at the wrong altar, what’s the problem here?”

Perfectionism leads to shame which leads to blame, which is the reason Cain murdered his brother. Because he couldn’t live with the shame of being caught in his prideful arrogance.

So when I land on the story of Cain and Abel, this reality hits home. If you were to look it up, you would find the setup for the perfect shame-story:

“When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. ³ When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord. ⁴ Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,⁵ but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.”

Ok, stop right there. I have been in Cain’s position far more often than Abel’s. How many times have I done something, said something, written something that was perfect and yet God did not receive it how or when I wanted Him to. 

And I immediately argue, saying “well my sacrifice is perfect, God, I labored over it for hours and days and months, there is nothing wrong with it!” And yet, I don’t get my way. I have to submit to the lesson of walking away and rethinking and seeking what God really wants of me and then trying again.

Well when the sacrifice you bring to the altar does not get accepted, whatever that looks like for you, then there are two options: fear or love. That’s it, only two choices.

You can fear God’s judgement, which leads to shame. Or you can love God’s judgement, which makes you Abel to fail well and try again.

In the past year I struggled with presenting the wrong things before God. Granted, they were good things, perfect things even. But they were my things, created by the work of my weary efforts, scratched from the hard ground of my circumstances by my two bare hands.

The brothers had two differences: Abel was a shepherd. Cain was a farmer. In other words, Abel hung around with animals in the field all day, playing a harp, throwing rocks at predators, and writing poetry. While Cain was busting his butt farming the hard ground, a job that goes from sunup to sundown with a ton of physical labor. So when he brought his sacrifice to the altar, he was really proud of his hard work. Damn proud, with his chin held high and his pride puffed up real big.

I imagine that God probably saw that stubborn, independent arrogance, and he told Cain “if you continue to bring me the wrong sacrifices, you will sin.” Why? Because shame is sure to follow a fall when you have built your self-worth on what you produce. If your value is only as good as your product, then it has to be perfect and perfectly received, otherwise shame gets a foothold. There is no room for human error, for humility, for love.

Cain could not understand that God wanted to love him for who he was, not for what he did. He wanted to earn his Father’s love by the work of his hands, which cheapened the gift.

So if you read the chapter, you will see that Cain becomes so ashamed of God’s rejection of his offering that he eventually has to take out his brother, because every time he looks at him he is reminded of his own embarrassing shortcomings. He sees rejection where he once saw a human being. Instead of trying again, he gives up and gives in to hate.

God did warn Cain of the price of unhealed shame- "Why are you so angry? Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be it's master." (v6-7)

Shame always causes disconnection. Which is why the first punishment for Cain's murder is that he is will no longer be able to work the ground. The second punishment is banishment. Cultivating will not be fruitful. As his father Adam was exiled from the garden, Cain does one better- he becomes a fugitive on the entire earth. 

He would never again be allowed to earn God’s love- he would be forced to spend a lifetime realizing that God loves him because of who he is, not because of what he does. Not because his offering looked perfect.

It was not really Cain who killed Abel- it was shame. We all fail at some point, because we are human and we are flawed. But God loves us anyways. He just wants to make us ABEL to receive love, and if we choose otherwise, we choose shame.

            My husband said to me the other day, “Read your blog again- find the part where you talk about being a perfectionist.” This was right after my argument with God about the problem with His altar. So I regrouped, reread, and came back to Jesus with totally empty hands and a whole lot of questions.

And God said to me “My beloved, in your anger do not sin because then shame gets the last word of that conversation. Let ME love you, come empty and receive my love. Do not be ashamed of who you are. I love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Give Me your shame and I will give you an abundance.”

When you are underestimated you have more freedom to be yourself because nobody is looking. 

But take note that God and His angels are always there, cheering you on and walking along with you and knowing the exact value of your true worth as a unique and powerful being- that is why He is completely fascinated with your soul.

Never settle for shame- you are Abel to receive love if you forgive and come back empty and try again. Try again, beloved. Try again.

Amen and amen. Today is another day to be reborn.

~*~

 

To read my book Pearls and Presence, click here.

To learn more about my own personal story of redeeming love, click here.

With gratitude for all my readers- 

Rebecca