This is prayer- sitting
on a large rock in the middle of a forest, entering into the Word of God. I was
on a spiritual retreat last weekend, where I spent extra time doing “nothing”
with Jesus. Now I am back home, absorbing every detail of His word with a
refreshed soul. And I find myself entering the story of King David and his son
Absalom. I am drawn into the tension and the drama of Bible stories- for me,
prayer is inserting myself into the Biblical story and walking the journey
right alongside my Savior’s family. When I was on that rock at the top of a
mountain, my act of prayer become an act of entering
into the Bible instead of simply reading it. I now take this practice with
me into my quiet times of prayer at home.
Here now I enter
into the unexpected drama of King David and his son Absalom while I sit at my
kitchen table, the same Bible open to me that I held in the forest several days
earlier. Today I was supposed to focus my prayer time on the directions given
to me by my seminary professor. So I settled in with my Bible and my journal
and prepared to respond internally to the questions Dr. Coe had asked us in
class-
1.
What did you experience in your faith in the
past as you worked through your undergrad education?
2.
What attitude do you find within yourself now as
you do your graduate homework?
3.
What amount of time should you actually spend on
homework- what grade should you earn? Consider this answer carefully as you
work in the power of the Holy Spirit rather than in your own strength- it may sometimes
entail settling for a lower score in order to submit your will to His.
I was prepared to
contemplate these questions when my daily reading of Scripture landed me in 2
Samuel 13, and the unfolding story of David and Absalom pulled me right in and
caught my full attention. After just a few lines I found myself held in rapt
attention at the unfolding of this Biblical narrative full of scandal and
intrigue. How could I intertwine this passage of Biblical drama with the
questions I was instructed to meditate on by my professor? The goal of my
prayer time today is to discover how these two pieces might meet together- both
the scholarly questions and the passage of Scripture. I am asking God to show
me how they are related, for nothing ever happens by coincidence when I am
attuned to the Spirit in meditation. May I draw upon the intimacy with Jesus
that I experience on the mountaintop as I listen to His gentle Spirit here in
the solitude of my home…
2 Samuel 13 (NLT)
4 One day
Jonadab said to Amnon, “What’s the trouble? Why should the son of a king look
so dejected morning after morning?” So Amnon told him, “I am in love with
Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”
I recognize that my soul is wide open to
love, as is Amnon’s. I desire reconciliation, forgiveness, intimacy and joy. I first
noticed this after sitting on that rock in the forest and observing the way in
which I could recognize my soul as separate from my mind. I realize there is a
lack of integrity within me, as my soul is free and full of light but my mind
is weak and afraid. Why should the daughter of a king look so dejected morning after morning? the past, this fear has been the driving force of most
of my decisions, including my four years of undergraduate work. How have I approached education in the past?
I worried. About failure. So I secured my victory through the plans and efforts
of my own two hands. I spent all my resources in order to attain the excellence
in education which became central to my identity. I did not talk to my King
about this- I came up with my own plans to possess what I wanted…
6 So Amnon lay
down and pretended to be sick. And when the king came to see him, Amnon asked
him, “Please let my sister Tamar come and cook my favorite dish[b] as I watch. Then I can eat it from her own
hands.” 7 So David
agreed and sent Tamar to Amnon’s house to prepare some food for him.8 So Tamar took his favorite
dish to him. 11 But as she
was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, “Come to bed with me, my darling
sister.”12 “No, my
brother!” she cried. “Don’t be foolish! Don’t do this to me! Such wicked things
aren’t done in Israel. 13 Where could I
go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel.
Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me.”
For many years I
was able to successfully use my worry as a means of propelling me into excellence.
I held a minimum of a 3.5 GPA throughout college, and I never missed a single
assignment. This was all fueled by worry- could I possess perfection and excellence
in education? “Just speak to the king about it,”
whispered the Spirit. But I was not listening- it never once entered my mind to
invite God into this process. It never
once occurred to me that He wanted to be involved with blessing me with what I
desired- instead I took it by force. I took inventory of my resources, a
smart brain and a motivated attitude, and I used these gifts to my advantage. I
worried about rejection and so I grabbed hold of success with both hands. I
took what I wanted at the cost of spiritual ignorance- I did not ask my King
for His blessing. I took the good things within my reach and used them to my
benefit, for my good, done completely in my power. And in my haste, I took
excellence by force…
14 But Amnon
wouldn’t listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her.15 Then suddenly
Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her.
“Get out of here!” he snarled at her.16 “No, no!”
Tamar cried. “Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.” But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. 17 He shouted
for his servant and demanded, “Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind
her!”18 So the
servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long,
beautiful robe,[c] as was
the custom in those days for the king’s virgin daughters. 19 But now Tamar
tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands,
she went away crying.
What was my approach to education in the past?
I never asked God’s permission- I did what I wanted to do, what I was capable
of doing in the power of my autonomy. He gave me an intelligent brain and I
used it for my benefit. He gave me a high capacity for detail, and so I worried
my way into perfectionism. I took good grades by the force of my will because I
wanted to be excellent, so that by the time I graduated I was an anxious mess. The
soul inside me that wanted to have a voice, but I wouldn’t listen to her. I plunged ahead on the
fumes of my autonomous will. I struggled to make it through finals week of my
senior year- my dad had to drive me to the last test because I was too anxious
and fatigued to drive myself. And after all that, I had no interest in
attending my own graduation. I was done.
I had to drag
myself across the finish line of undergraduate work and fell in a heap on the
other side, spent from four years of too much worrying. I gave God no
invitation in all of this- I was not attuned to His voice because I believed I
knew what I wanted and had the power to take it myself. God was for Sundays. And
so that central piece of my being, the eternal soul within, I silenced that voice because I did not
know how to respond to it.
20 Her brother
Absalom saw her and asked, “Is it true that Amnon has been with you? Well, my
sister, keep quiet for now, since
he’s your brother. Don’t you worry about it.” So Tamar lived as a desolate
woman in her brother Absalom’s house. 21 When King
David heard what had happened, he was very angry.[d] 22 And though
Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what
he had done to his sister.
I sent the anxiety
of my senior year packing, stuffing it down and ignoring the pleas of my soul
to be heard. “Well, my soul, keep quiet
for now,” I said as I sent the voice of my inner self away. I
look back now and see how in many ways I have lived most (if not all) of my 35
years with a lack of integrity inside- my soul is naturally free and light, but
my mind is worried and afraid. I can sense the duality of my being now, just as
I could on that rock on my spiritual retreat last week. Only the transformation
of the Holy Spirit can bring unity to these two parts of myself that have never
been allowed to work together- the anxious worry which has fueled my excellence
has taken the front seat, and I have silenced the voice of my childlike soul
which is full of joy and peace. When we have suppress the eternal parts of our
inner self for so many years, then it is a literal war to bring integrity back
within…
23 Two years
later…Absalom prepared a feast fit for a king. 28 Absalom told his men, “Wait until Amnon gets drunk; then at my signal, kill him! Don’t be afraid. I’m the one who has given the command. Take courage and do it!” 29 So at Absalom’s signal they murdered Amnon. 30 As they
were on the way back to Jerusalem, this report reached David.31 The king
got up, tore his robe, and threw himself
on the ground. His advisers also tore their clothes in horror and sorrow.
36 They soon
arrived, weeping and sobbing, and the king and all his servants wept bitterly
with them. 37 And David
mourned many days for his son Amnon.
Two wrongs do not
make a right- the past is doomed to repeat itself when we refuse to learn from
it. So I look at my graduate work with apprehension- how will it be different
this time? What has been my attitude
about my homework thus far? It has been war- because I refuse to live off
the fuel which gave me success in the past. I will no longer run on anxiety,
worry and the push for perfection which got me through grad school. It has been
ten years, a marriage, house, and two kids, since then. I no longer have the
same mental and emotional resources which (barely) got me through undergrad.
No, I am waving the white flag. I threw myself
on the ground there on that rock on the hilltop, and told Jesus I
surrender. I long to be reconciled to His will, because I will not take
excellence by force this time. My self-sustaining pride and perfection will be
the death of me in seminary. There must be another way- I long to be reconciled
to myself, to give a voice to my soul.
Absalom fled to his grandfather, Talmai son of Ammihud, the
king of Geshur. 38 He stayed there in Geshur for three years. 39 And King
David,[g] now
reconciled to Amnon’s death, longed to
be reunited with his son Absalom.[h]
This reconciliation
can only be made possible through humble prayer. And while the story of David
and Absalom goes on and ends in more heartache, this is where my prayer project
will diverge. I leave the scriptures now to contemplate on myself. One part of
me reads the story of David and Absalom and wants to sink down into my own
story of helpless brokenness, surrendering to the violent reality of the sinful
human condition and the damaged parts of myself and my relationships that it
leaves behind. Another part of me wants to rise up above the past and claim a
new identity as a free and bright child of the King, flying into a Kingdom of
restoration and redemption and leave the pain behind. These are both very real
parts of myself- in this quiet time of prayer I realize that I have longed to be reunited with my soul for
many years. My deeper self has been kept quiet for far too long. I want the joy
of my soul to sing a song with the Spirit over my weary mind and begin to
transform it. I need Jesus to lead this orchestration of spiritual victory as
He begins the transformation of my wounded and anxious thoughts.
There is one
question my professor asked me which I have not answered yet- what amount of
time do I give to my seminary work, and what grade should I hold myself to? That
answer is simple- only what brings freedom to my soul. If I am powering through
my work at the cost of spiritual peace, then I need to back off. But if God
supplies me with the physical strength and mental capacity to pursue more, then
I will do so with gratitude. This depends entirely on my prayer life, which is
still very much in process. Can I listen to my soul, and allow it to commune
with God as I pursue college education for a second time?
Not
in my power, Lord, for I have none left. Only in Yours. Come into my being and
heal me, Jesus. The story of David and Absalom is the story of my mind and my
soul when they are at war over my attempt to take excellence by force. Thank
you for this reminder, Father, that You want to bless me in ways that make room
for my soul to speak and my mind to receive peace. Thank you, Father, for that
hilltop experience last week. I am profoundly grateful.
Amen.
Rebecca
~*~
Support my work by following my page.
To read my story or
view my creative writing,
please visit my original blog site.
